The Let's Get This Out of the Way Because It's Actually Terrible Award: Cincinnati Bengals
At the risk of becoming a self-righteous moralizer in the unfortunate vein of Jim Nantz, I could not have hated more how the Bengals collapsed on Saturday night. It wasn't just that they lost in such an unfathomable fashion, but that they descended unchecked into madness and very easily could have cost Antonio Brown his career. Following a very ill-timed Jeremy Hill fumble, the defense gift-wrapped field goal range to the Steelers with two awful [and totally preventable] personal fouls - one for Vontaze Burfict's reckless, intentional helmet-to-helmet hit on Brown and one for Adam Jones jawing at a Steelers assistant on the field during the injury timeout. The rest is history, but it was an ugly game throughout that makes me wonder whether these two teams will survive the next time they meet. Pittsburgh's not off the hook either - Ryan Shazier also laid a similar head-to-head blow on Giovanni Bernard that could have easily been penalized, and assistant coach Mike Munchak grabbed Bengals safety Reggie Nelson's hair on the sideline for another personal foul. Between the refs' spotty calls and coaches on both sides seeming to let the inmates run the asylum, this rivalry has gotten even uglier fast, and the mode of retaliation is scary given the number of major contact injuries that have happened in these teams' other recent meetings too. Nothing short of a battle royale would make the NFL take drastic measures here, but I'd expect officiating crews to take a very hard stance on this matchup next season. They have to do better, and so do these players.
The Best Portmanteau for the Texans' Quarterback Situation Award: American Hoyer Story
That's the joke. Go Chiefs! On to New England!
The Return of the Curse of the Monkey's Paw Award - Seattle Seahawks
Oh Seattle, you might have gotten away with another woeful offensive performance in the playoffs, but beware of whatever awaits for tempting fate. You may recall last year that there was a string of unfortunate events for the NFC teams who squeaked by each other through questionable means. First, the Lions lost to the Cowboys after an obvious pass interference call was retracted. Then Dallas lost to Green Bay after the Dez Bryant catch that wasn't before Green Bay collapsed in every conceivable way against the Seahawks. Seattle then got its comeuppance on a goal-line interception at the end of last year's Super Bowl. So now it starts anew with the Seahawks surviving the Vikings, who held the 'Hawks scoreless through three quarters, only had to make a chip-shot field goal to win and shanked it. Of course, I'm legally obligated to say that there are many other reasons Minnesota let this game slip away like one of those dreaded late-game Adrian Peterson fumbles and the fact that Russell Wilson burned them on a bobbled snap that should have been a 20-yard sack. But Seattle didn't really win this one so much as the Vikings lost it, and if the monkey paw's curse is to be believed, they'll be careful about what they wish for against the Panthers next weekend. On the other hand, what if God really is a Seahawks fan? Not to discredit the tremendous amount of talent Seattle has, but I don't think I've ever seen another team get as many lucky breaks as this one does in recent memory. It must have something to do with Wilson the Automaton's regularly scheduled bible verse tweets.
The Someone Needs a Hug Award: Blair Walsh
Because we are a great country, Vikings kicker Blair Walsh is probably going to get lots of hate mail and death threats this week following that shanked kick. He doesn't deserve it, not only because it's just a football game, but also because that shank was 95% the holder's fault, even though Walsh tearfully took the blame afterwards. Skol enthusiasts should send their blood-written oaths of vengeance to punter Jeff Locke for not one but two holds with the laces out and tilted away from Walsh's foot. Sounds to me like it's time to introduce Locke to Ray Finkle's parents...
True, the Packers' win Sunday was just against the Redskinks, but boy did they look more like their old selves than we've seen in a while, especially Aaron Rodgers. After a rocky first quarter where Rodgers completed just one pass for 11 yards, he transformed back into his MVP-caliber form, working the no-huddle offense masterfully to draw substitution and offsides penalties on Washington's defense and manufacture open receivers. He still missed some big passes downfield, which might have been due to the windy weather and/or what still seems to be an undisclosed injury to me, but his performance has to have done wonders for Green Bay's confidence going into the divisional round. Add to that Eddie Lacy's bruising performance on the ground to extend drives in the second half, and these Packers look like they could give the Cardinals a run for their money next week. Expect that no-huddle to appear prominently in my next playoffs preview in a few days...
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