Arizona Cardinals
Love - Exterminating the Injury BugBut first, I'd be remiss if Lady Blitz didn't acknowledge a real-life lady blitzer, Jen Welter, a fourteen year veteran in the Women's Football Alliance who is now the first female coach to be hired in the NFL. She'll be interning with the Cardinals through the preseason as a linebacker coach. Go Jen! Secondly, another reason to love Arizona this season--we hope--is that it'd be hard for this team to have worse luck with injuries this season than last season. In 2014, the Cardinals lost defensive stalwarts Darnell Dockett and John Abraham, starting running back Andre Ellington, and first and second string QBs Carson Palmer and Drew Stanton for meaningful windows of the season... and they still managed to go 11-5! This team has looked better than fine during Bruce Arians' tenure in Arizona to date, so imagine the ceiling they could have if they can just outlast the injury bug this year, especially with the #2 spot in the NFC West looking mighty attainable these days. And with guys like Mike Iupati and LaMarr Woodley coming on board to shore up both lines of scrimmage, the Cards will have more bulk and depth to push around the weaker teams of the NFC.
For all of the energy the Cardinals have put into bolstering their less sexy linemen positions on this roster, village elder Larry Fitzgerald is still by far the most recognizable skill player by a long shot. Beyond Michael Floyd, whom you probably know best for ruining your fantasy bench, I dare you to name another wide receiver on this team without Googling it. If Carson Palmer can't go or returns from his ACL injury at less than 100%--a verifiable possibility--Arizona will be right where it ended things last year, with some no-name off the scrap heap like Drew Stanton or, Kanye forbid, Logan Thomas running from linebackers and throwing dead ducks off his back foot. And even if Palmer returns as good as new, he's certainly not going to get any kind of balance from the Cardinals' ground game. There isn't a single running back on this team who's been in the league for more than three years, and Arizona's best option at the outset this season is Andre Ellington, who averaged three yards per carry last season. You would think that after the Cards were torpedoed by their lack of depth at all three positions last year they would address them in some way this offseason. Nope. Not a single wide receiver or running back of note acquired in free agency or the draft. So once you get your hopes up about the possibilities in Arizona this season, look no further than the wild card round. Again.
San Francisco 49ers
Love - Interesting Uniforms?To call the 49ers a supernova at this point sounds too good to be true except that I'm just referring to a rapidly imploding star. So I can't in good conscience tell you there will be anything to love or look forward to for a team that has lost its superb coaching staff and just about everyone else with Pro Bowl credentials since December. It looks like San Francisco will be hosting Super Bowl 50 from the luxury box instead of the sidelines in 2016, but at least the fans willing to drive out to godforsaken Santa Clara will have these, um, interesting black and red uniforms to commemorate this inevitable season. Whatcha think, Kaep?
If you thought 8 - 8 was a nightmare season under Jim Harbaugh’s watch, you’d probably call Jim Tomsula a miracle-worker if he gets the Niners to six wins this year. San Francisco’s front office was Melvillian in its quest to oust Harbaugh despite leading this team to three straight NFC championships and a Super Bowl. Personality clashes matter when they conflict with an organization’s long-term vision, but it’s clear that Ted Baalke & friends didn’t even have a Plan A after giving the pleated khakis the boot and eventually settling for Tomsula after scaring off every other viable candidate. Even if they had landed a strong head coaching prospect, the 49ers have a seemingly impossible number of holes to fill on the roster this year. Their two best linebackers, Patrick Willis and Chris Borland, both retired in unexpected fashion as did stalwart linemen Anthony Davis and long-time Pro Bowler Justin Smith. Frank Gore and guard Mike Iupati left for other teams, which could compromise San Francisco’s already tenuous balance on offense with Colin Kaepernick struggling in the pocket. Stranger things have happened, but I’m seeing a 95% chance at a miserable, half-empty Jeans Stadium and a 5% chance of falling outside of the top 10 draft picks next season. The Super Bowl host city curse is real, but rarely is it this self-inflicted.
Seattle Seahawks
Love - Jimmy Graham's New DigsIt's usually delusional to say that a team is "just one [insert player position here] away" from a Super Bowl, but this was assuredly the case for the Seahawks on one fateful night in February. Russell Wilson did what he could last season with one of the thinnest receiver groups in the league, and it was still enough to get Seattle to its second consecutive Super Bowl. But with the trophy on the line, Wilson was reduced to check-downs to virtually unheard of WR Chris Matthews, and you know how that one ended. And so in a stunning move, the Seahawks got even richer when they acquired Jimmy Graham from the Saints this offseason. Barring catastrophic injury, it's hard to think of a trade that has more upside and less downside than Russell Wilson getting a serviceable tight end who happens to be a heckuvan end zone receiving threat too. And though it feels like an alien hatchling boring through my entrails to say it, Graham will do well for himself to move on from a collapsing franchise with an aging quarterback to one of the most talented young teams in the league with a quarterback somehow just now hitting his prime after two straight Super Bowl appearances. Freaking Seahawks.
Hate - The Legion of Bandwagon
With the 49ers reeling and the Seahawks looking like the next big dynasty that's here to stay, those long-time 12th Men have become totally insufferable, and they're multiplying! I can attest to the sudden spring of blue and green paraphernalia happening in my town 2,000 miles away. On the one hand, I can get behind the likely attrition of Steelers and Cowboys fans that a new bandwagon brings, but on the other, you can see this team being good for so many years to come that they become the next loathe-worthy Yankees or Patriots. With a boatload of wins comes new scrutiny about Pete Carroll's chewing gum addiction or Russell Wilson's robotic goody-two-shoes routine or Richard Sherman's Richard Sherman-ness, and Seahawks fans will be reduced to Pitchfork Media levels of "I knew these guys were great before they were big." Even though they're probably lying. So yeah, these are rich people problems since the 'Hawks look just as good going into 2015 as they have for the past three years, but it doesn't mean the rest of us can't start resenting them!
St. Louis Rams
Love - A Killer UnderdogIn a way, this Rams team reminds me of my Memphis Grizzlies. They aren’t built to win in the way most teams are in the age of finesse offense and ubiquitous endorsement deals, but they love punching those guys in the mouth for the occasional delightful upset that no one saw coming. Last year, the Rams were the only team to take down both the Seahawks and Broncos, and their punishing style of defense was so good that they managed to pitch two consecutive shutouts with a combined score of 76 - 0. Granted, those games were against the Redskinks and Raiders, but this is an incredibly hard thing to do in the modern NFL no matter whom you're playing. St. Louis' defense has only gotten scarier as veterans Robert Quinn, Chris Long and defensive ROY Aaron Donald will now be lining up with Nick Fairley, who came over from Detroit in free agency. Add to that Nick Foles, a very likely upgrade from Sam Bradshaw and his cast of IR stand-ins, and Todd Gurley among many serviceable running backs, and you've got yourself a team with legitimate dark horse potential for once. They aren't ready to dethrone the Seahawks--who is?--but putting this team in the wild card hunt suddenly doesn't sound so crazy.
For all the speculation about the Chargers and Raiders moving to their sister city, I'd put my money on the franchise whose owner has actually already bought a piece of land in Los Angeles and has since been turning the screws on St. Louis to pony up with public funds for a new stadium or lose their "beloved" franchise for good. Things have gotten very messy in St. Louis to the extent that the group that manages the Rams' current venue is actually suing the city in hopes of avoiding a public referendum vote required by ordinance to finance a new stadium. That's right, the city of St. Louis is being sued because it requires its own taxpayers to have some kind of determination in how their tax dollars are spent for things like billion-dollar sports stadiums. How dare they! I for one hope this community decides to keep its lunch money and send Stan Kroenke and his toadies to the land of 10,000 parking lots. L.A. deserves this kind of extortionist trash. Besides, St. Louis is a baseball town anyway.
This concludes our Reasons to Love and Hate Every NFL Team preview. Up next, the Lady Blitz crystal ball of win-loss and playoff predictions for every team!
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