Houston Texans
Love: The Return of Clowney, We HopeFor all the hype, poor Jadeveon Clowney went the way of Greg Oden instead of Kevin Durant during his very short, injury-riddled rookie season. It's been almost two years since this defensive wrecking ball has played a full football season, and doggone it, Houston is ready for some carnage! Of course, should Clowney reinjure something or prove to be a bust, Texans fans can always take comfort in J.J. Watt having another MVP-caliber season. But imagine the heart palpitations that offensive guards across America are having right now thinking about these two flying at them at full speed after the snap.
Hate: The Leftovers
Much like the Bengals in our previous post, the Texans are often the "missed it by that much" team in the AFC. This defense is reliably one of the hardest-hitting and most opportunistic with turnovers in the league, and with playmakers like Arian Foster and Andre Johnson, we almost forgot how bad Matt Schaub could be for years. But Houston has fallen victim more times than not to settling for middling to cheap replacement talent, and this season should be no exception. You need look no further than Matt Schaub's depressing parade of replacements at quarterback since 2013: T.J. Yates, Case Keenum, Ryan Mallet, and now Brian Hoyer. Outside of Tom Brady backup #2, the Texans' biggest free agency pickups of 2015 have been the retiring ghost of Vince Wilfork and safety Rahim Moore who single-handedly handed Joe Flacco that "elite" status in Denver three years ago. So while Watt/Clowney should be everything it's hyped up to be and Foster is still a safe fantasy team pickup, don't expect the Texans to be world-beaters with the remainder of this scrap heap.
Indianapolis Colts
Love: Time for an AFC Regime ChangeMuch of the AFC’s glory over the past 15 years can be summed up with three names: Tom Brady, Ben Roethlisberger and Peyton Manning. Collectively, these QBs have started in 12 Super Bowls and won 9 of them since 2001 – not exactly the kind of variety that makes the League of Parity so compelling. But ever since Andrew Luck took the helm from Manning three years ago, the question hasn’t been if but when Luck will take the Colts back to the big dance. Under Coach Chuck Pagano’s tutelage, this team has never missed the playoffs and gotten one step closer to the Super Bowl every year. This offseason, they’ve added some defensive muscle and are also banking on uber-durable if uber-veteran Frank Gore to breathe some life into Indy’s running game. It’s hard to imagine the Colts being any worse off than they were a year ago when they made the AFC Championship. And with the other conference stalwarts above aging and evolving, they have as good a shot this year as any to make SB 50 something special.
Hate: Jim Irsay Is an Undeserving Moron
When we last cared about what Colts owner Jim Irsay was doing, he was on a fear and loathing adventure in Indianapolis where he was pulled over for a DWI... and caught hauling around a literal laundry bag of prescription pills and $30K in cash. Irsay’s punishment? A six game suspension and a $500,000 fine, which is like $20 to you and me. It’s a bad look for a league that practically throws darts when determining conduct penalties and for a guy born to play the part of a pompous, entitled gazillionaire (if Jeremy Irons doesn’t sign on someday). Even outside of the addiction issues that merit sympathy at some level, Irsay is also a train wreck on Twitter and seems to have no qualms about publicly criticizing his own players while they're on the roster. All this is to say, should the Colts finally break through all the way this season, who really wants to see Jim Irsay gloating his way through some uppers up in the luxury box in February? 
Jacksonville Jaguars
Love: A Team That Is TryingThe Jaguars may be miserable to watch, but the Lord loves ‘em for trying. Whereas NBA teams like the 76ers and Lakers are comfortable telegraphing their tanking strategies to the world in hopes of landing a draft savior, the poor Jaguars have tried to do the right things in the worst way. Draft countless quarterbacks in the top ten, bring in a Super Bowl-winning coach with historic defensive accomplishments, lure big names looking for big contracts. It hasn’t amounted to more than desperation and embarrassment for most of this franchise’s existence, and it doesn’t look like it’ll turn around any time soon. But doggoneit, the Jaguars are trying.
Hate: Unbridled, Snakebitten Misery
The Jaguars are adorably bad to almost the same degree as the Chicago Cubs, minus the loyal Wrigley fanbase. Per the above, even when Jacksonville tries to do good things, they just have a habit of backfiring with the force of a Molotov cocktail. Case in point: one hour into this year’s rookie camp, third overall pick Donte Fowler tore his ACL and will not play this year. Busts like Justin Blackmon--a top ten receiver who could not make it through a single season without being suspended--and Blaine Gabbert--who gave Ryan Leaf a run for his money as worst QB bust in the modern era--come to mind. Heck, the thing the Jaguars are best known for at this point is having a fancy internet lounge and swimming pool in their home stadium so that fans can whatever necessary to distract themselves from the catastrophe on the field. Poor Jaguars, better luck in London I guess.Tennessee Titans
Love: Mariota ManiaThis franchise’s time in Houston notwithstanding, the Titans have had a brutal go of it at quarterback ever since Steve McNair left in 2006. Now that Jake Locker, poster boy for disability insurance, has hung up his lightly used cleats for good, Tennessee is rightfully rolling out the red carpet for #2 overall pick and Heisman winner Marcus Mariota. I don’t like sticking my neck out too often for hyped up rookies, but Mariota looks like the real deal, spread offense or not. His accuracy and touchdown-to-interception ratio in college were things of beauty, and his threat as a scrambler should make it hard for defenses to cover all the bases once he gets into a rhythm in the NFL. If the Titans’ young receiving talent comes close to as advertised, Mariota looks primed for Rookie of the Year honors and maybe an upset of the order in a division ripe for the picking.
My genuine hope is that Marcus Mariota makes the Titans thrilling appointment television some day, especially because I’ve been in the purgatory that is the Titans regional viewing domain for two decades. It is nothing short of agonizing. But until that happens, this has been the most insipid franchise in the NFL since Vince Young threw his pads in the stands five years ago. Those were the dysFUNctional days! Seriously, remove Mariota from the equation and you’ve got an uninspiring washed up coach who hasn’t done any of his alleged quarterback magic since already-2-time-MVP Kurt Warner joined his Cardinals in 2005. What else is there to like or even remotely remember about the most recently 2 - 14 Titans? Bishop Sankey and Dexter McCluster (whose names are pretty awesome BTW)? Kings of Leon stand-in Zach Mettenberger? Sexy train hobo Charlie Whitehurst? The Titans have been an island of misfit toys for far too long, but they're the kind that you never wanted to play with anyway. Here's hoping to something--anything--exciting to remember the Tennessee Titans by this season.
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