Week 2 Picks for Every NFL Game

Hopefully the stench of my Week 1 picks aren't wafting too far into Week 2.  I got torpedoed by some great upsets a la the Buffalo Bills and Miami Dolphins as well as some what-was-I-thinking drivel with the Ravens and Giants.  Oh well, time to overcompensate and blow it again because you asked - here are my Fort Knox-solid Week 2 predictions:

Top Shelf Games: Talent-rich, highly competitive and aged in oak barrels... spiritually speaking

Atlanta Falcons at Cincinnati Bengals (-5) - Lord have mercy, what I would give for Cincy to beat up on Atlanta to avenge that brutal loss for the Saints last weekend.  Given a fairly mellow schedule this week, I dub this comeback tour for the Falcons' offense/continued defensive dominance for the Bengals the Lady Blitz Game of the Week.  As with too many teams after Week 1, I have no idea what to think of Atlanta yet, so I lean Bengals given that spectacular pass rush and the possibility that OT Jake Matthews may have to sit out after an injury last Sunday.

New England Patriots (-3) at Minnesota Vikings - I suppose when you start things out as poorly as I did last week, there's nothing to lose with a few big-time upset picks.  I hope I'm not going too gaga over how good the Vikings looked against a severely struggling Rams team last Sunday, but consider this: the Patriots ranked almost dead last in rush yards allowed last season and looked downright toothless against Lamar Miller--Lamar Miller!--in Week 1.  Imagine how they might do against, say, Adrian Peterson and Cordarelle Patterson.  Adding to the plot, new Vikings coach Mike Zimmer led the Bengals' defense last year to shut Tom Brady's streak of consecutive TD games down for the first time in over 50 games. 

Seattle Seahawks (-6) at San Diego Chargers - This may be a bit of a stretch for a Top Shelf game given how the Chargers imploded Monday night and how much rest the Seahawks have had.  Still, in keeping with the simplistic theme so far of offense-vs.-defense, Philip Rivers often plays with no fear, and he'll need that approach--and some great plays by those receivers--to get past the defending champs.  I look forward to watching Seattle utterly terrorize him instead.

Chicago Bears at San Francisco 49ers (-7) - Oh, Jay Cutler.  As soon as the preemptive MVP buzz started, you made sure we didn't get ahead of ourselves.  This is definitely a treacherous game in that I'm not sold the Bears are as bad or the 49ers are as good as they looked last week.  Still, with San Francisco breaking in the new stadium and looking just as opportunistic with turnovers as ever, I see the Bears struggling against such a physical opponent.

Philadelphia Eagles at Indianapolis Colts (-3) - Good on the Colts for getting two early prime time games, even if going a whole season without Robert Mathis is a bit troubling.  Given that both of these teams have had some issues on defense as of late, this Monday night affair may go the way of a good old-fashioned shootout, and when Andrew Luck is on his home turf, you gotta go Colts.  Even if Philly goes up 28 points in the first half.

Well Drink Games: They may surprise you from time to time without all the high expectations

Pittsburgh Steelers at Baltimore Ravens (-2.5) - If you're looking for a morality battle for the disgraced Ravens, just remember that Ben Roethlisberger also happens to be a total scumbag and there is a systemic violence problem in the NFL.  More on that later.  Anyway, this has a couple potential angles - 1) The Ravens put Ray Rice behind them and destroy the Steelers, who are in the wrong place at the wrong time; 2) The Ravens are a distracted, lifeless mess and let their hated rivals run all over them.  I have talked myself into the latter scenario.

Detroit Lions at Carolina Panthers (-3) - Mercy me, what a tough pick.  It's hard to say how good these two teams actually are given how bad their Week 1 opponents might be.  Do I assume the Lions can move up and down the field like they did with the Giants' defense and/or force Cam Newton into mistakes a la Eli Manning?  Or do I think Carolina's defense will give Matt Stafford the same welcoming party they gave a benchwarmer with a golden parachute last Sunday?  There can be only one answer: jinx the Panthers so that the Saints can inch back toward the top of the NFC South.

Miami Dolphins (-1) at Buffalo Bills - This is usually a total "Who Cares?" game for me, given that the Patriots pretty much always lock up the AFC East by mid-October.  But that is not the case for one shining moment thanks to brilliant upsets by the Dolphins and Bills last week.  Now it must come to an end, and I reckon it will come down to defense.  Miami is thin at linebacker to say the least, but I don't see them handing the game to the Bills on a silver platter like Jay Cutler did last time.

Dallas Cowboys at Tennessee Titans (-3.5) - So just how low will the Cowboys go this year?  Losing to the Titans would be a start.  If there was a game to pull the football out from under us, Charlie Brown style, this could be it.  I don't think the Titans are as good as they looked last week, and I don't think the Cowboys are quite as bad.  If there's one guy who has superb short-term memory loss, it's Tony Romo.

Arizona Cardinals (-2.5) at New York Giants - An early game is nothing to snuff at, even for a west coast team with so many bright spots like the Cardinals. Nevertheless, unless the Giants have time to go on a wooded retreat to do trust falls, swallow the playbook and grow an offensive line by Sunday, this could get ugly.

House Punch Games: Most likely to be lop-sided, sloppy and/or otherwise painful to digest

Jacksonville Jaguars at Washington Redskins (-6) - There was a moment in time last week when the Jaguars were going to run away with a statement win due to aggressive defensive play and a guy you've never heard of (and may never again) named Allen Hurns.  I think the first part of that equation will be present in the swamps of Maryland next Sunday, and it will give RG3's befuddled offensive line fits.

New Orleans Saints (-6.5) at Cleveland Browns - Remember, we're only two more weeks away from Johnny Manziel being foisted upon us when Cleveland goes 0 - 3.

St. Louis Rams at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-5.5) - The news just keeps getting worse in St. Louis with Chris Long's ankle injury likely to keep him off the field for up to 10 games.  Also pathetic: the Rams would probably send him to the Bucs for a QB like Josh McCown.

Houston Texans (-3) at Oakland Raiders - Filed under things I don't care about, I assume the Texans will take care of business against the Raiders, Clowney or not.  And if not, that doesn't particularly matter either.

New York Jets at Green Bay Packers (-8) - Unleash the championship belt back in the safe confines of Lambeau Field.

Kansas City Chiefs at Denver Broncos (-13.5) - Poor Chiefs.  Even the Jaguars have a better point spread than you.  But if point spreads mattered on this blog, I think I would still take the Broncos.


So How's My Pickin'?
Last Week's Record: 8 - 8
Season Record: 8 - 8