— Sean Orleans (@SeanOrleans) November 3, 2016I owe my Cubs fandom to my great-grandfather, Honey Johnson, and my grandmother, Dolores, who always had the game on when I would visit her growing up. In fact, the Cubs' historic Series-clinching win came on my grandmother's birthday, so here's to her and to those lovable losers that finally paid off all of the agony and the waiting.
Anyway, now it's back to the grindstone on picking some NFL Week 9 games - let's do it!
Top Shelf Games: Talent-rich, highly competitive and aged in oak barrels... spiritually speaking
Denver Broncos at Oakland Raiders (-1) - It's offense vs. defense in a suddenly very relevant divisional rivalry for our Lady Blitz Game of the Week! And thank Kanye for the start of flex scheduling that will finally put a potentially great game in prime time on Sunday. Boy this is a hard game to pick. On the one hand, we know what this Broncos defense brings to the table, and their offense should get some breathing room against one of the most generous defenses in the league. On the other hand, the Raiders' passing offense might catch some breaks with Aquib Talib sitting this one out, and Jack Del Rio brings some insider knowledge of Denver's strengths and weaknesses that could come in handy in his scheming. At the end of the day, I'm going with the team that has plenty of experience playing in big games under the bright lights that has also gone 8 - 1 in these teams' past nine meetings.
Philadelphia Eagles at New York Giants (-2.5) - Here's another high-stakes divisional game to keep on your radar, especially since the Cowboys are trying to make it clear there's only wild card scraps left for the rest of the NFC East. It might not be the prettiest affair given that these teams' defenses have played consistently great football this year while their offenses have stalled mightily at times. It seems every time I try to get on the Eagles' train, they disappoint me, but I can see them put the clamps on the Giants' anemic offense and winning the turnover battle here.
Pittsburgh Steelers (-1.5) at Baltimore Ravens - And now for perhaps the nastiest of our top shelf rivalries this week. A month ago, it looked like the Steelers would run away with the AFC North, but one of those ill-timed Ben Roethlisberger injuries puts the Ravens squarely in striking distance if they can pull off the win this week. All bets are always off in this one, and in fact, the Ravens have won four of the last five despite having a much worse overall record these past couple of years. But on the chance Big Ben plays, he'll be facing a really banged up Baltimore defense that might really struggle to keep all of the Steelers' offensive weapons in check.
Well Drink Games: They may surprise you from time to time without all the high expectations
Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings (-6) - Those Norsemen continue to look awfully normal after a red-hot 5 - 0 start. And this matchup reminds me of that one above the Broncos and Raiders in that you'll have strength against strength when the Lions offense and Vikings defense are on the field and a whole lot of sloppy anarchy when possession changes. In the end, Minnesota has been downright dominant at home in that shiny new stadium so far this season, and you have to think they'll finally make some adjustments with extra help at the line of scrimmage to keep Sam Bradford from getting pummeled on every down. I think.
Indianapolis Colts at Green Bay Packers (-7) - Welp, that was quite the wild shootout last week between Green Bay and Atlanta. NFC Championship preview, perhaps? We might have ourselves another great offensive showdown this week as Andrew Luck will continue trying to put 52 co-workers on his back to keep pace with the improving Packers passing attack. You're right, that's not fair - maybe 51 co-workers since Adam Vinatieri is breaking a bajillion scoring and longevity records every week. But I digress. We all know how bad Indy's defense is these days, right? Not a recipe for success at Lambeau Field with the Packers hot on the Vikings' heels in their division.
Indianapolis Colts at Green Bay Packers (-7) - Welp, that was quite the wild shootout last week between Green Bay and Atlanta. NFC Championship preview, perhaps? We might have ourselves another great offensive showdown this week as Andrew Luck will continue trying to put 52 co-workers on his back to keep pace with the improving Packers passing attack. You're right, that's not fair - maybe 51 co-workers since Adam Vinatieri is breaking a bajillion scoring and longevity records every week. But I digress. We all know how bad Indy's defense is these days, right? Not a recipe for success at Lambeau Field with the Packers hot on the Vikings' heels in their division.
Tennessee Titans at San Diego Chargers (-4.5)- In spite of themselves, I'm almost ready to declare the Titans "pretty good." DeMarco Murray is having a heckuva year, which is opening up the field for Marcus Mariota and putting less pressure on this decent defense to hold things down. If they win a tough road game against an improving Chargers team this weekend, I'll be officially impressed. But I think that could be tough with Joey Bosa stalking the line of scrimmage and San Diego's offense being pretty dang reliable this year.
Buffalo Bills at Seattle Seahawks (-7) - True story: I accidentally typed "Seahacks" here. And though Seattle's defense is just about as good as ever (barring last week on short rest), Seattle's offense looks awfully hacked. I mean, the Saints defense held them to 13 points. So the Bills have a shot here if they can keep this one within a score and hope for some busted coverage late in the fourth quarter.
Buffalo Bills at Seattle Seahawks (-7) - True story: I accidentally typed "Seahacks" here. And though Seattle's defense is just about as good as ever (barring last week on short rest), Seattle's offense looks awfully hacked. I mean, the Saints defense held them to 13 points. So the Bills have a shot here if they can keep this one within a score and hope for some busted coverage late in the fourth quarter.
House Punch Games: Most likely to be lop-sided, sloppy and/or otherwise painful to digest
Atlanta Falcons (-3.5) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Let the social media record show that I was unsuccessful in jinxing the Falcons by correctly picking them on Thursday. P.S., I can't even be a petty Saints fan anymore - Atlanta is the real deal, my friends, and Matt Ryan is making a beeline for that MVP award. Jinx!!!
Dallas Cowboys (-7) at Cleveland Browns - Sure, Dak Prescott showed flashes of potential in the preseason, but who in the world thought he'd take Dallas to an NFC-best 6 - 1 start? Having Ezekiel Elliott in the backfield sure helps. This week's game in the back-to-being-tortured sports town of Cleveland ought to pad some stats for these two Offensive Rookie of the Year hopefuls to boot.
Jacksonville Jaguars at Kansas City Chiefs (-7.5) - Remember when we all got drunk and thought the Jaguars might actually be good this year? Two months later, it looks like they best they'll do is hope to ruin Myles Garrett's career in the next draft. It's more sad trombones for the Jags and another big win for the playoff-hungry Chiefs in my estimation.
A summary of how every Saints season since 2011 has gone.
- September- Lose our first 3 games in heartbreaking fashion and realize the defense is still god-awful. A 4-12 season is coming.
- October- Start playing better to crawl back to .500 and inexplicably blow out a really good team. Fans look at the November schedule and notice it is considerably easier. Hope begins to arise.
- November- **** the bed at home against the worst team in the league. Proceed to get blown out every game for the rest of the month because the defense is allowing Kirk Cousins to put up 47 points. Winter is coming and all hope is gone.
- December- Win our final 3 games after being eliminated from playoff contention to finish 7-9. As a result, we drop down to 13th in the draft and move the Falcons and Buccaneers up.
The Saints should absolutely win this game, and the delusioned sports fan in me is thinking we will go on a tear when we Sheldon Rankins and Delvin Breaux back to shore up the defense that is now not quite the literal worst in the league. I hope they don't screw it up, so I'm being generous in the afterglow of that Cubs World Series.
Carolina Panthers (-3) at Los Angeles Rams - That bye week sure seemed to do the Panthers good. Let's see if it sticks against a very beatable Rams team. The potential Achilles? Carolina will be playing without its starting left tackle, which could allow Robert Quinn and Aaron Donald to feast on the beleaguered Cam Newton. Counterpoint: they'll be playing against Case Keenum.
Lovely Lady Locks
Based on my perfectly pedestrian 27 - 24 record last year, I think Kenny Rodgers would tell me to fold 'em in repeating this Lovely Lady Locks spread picks feature. But I'm playing with Monopoly money, so I'm going to do it again! Buyer beware. For Week 9, my Lovely Lady Locks are:- Lions +6 over Vikings
- Bills +7 over Seahawks
- Dolphins -4 over Jets
So How's My Pickin'?
Straight Up Record: 64 - 54 - 2
Against the Spread: 12 - 12
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