So instead of the usual Andy-Dalton-is-atrocious-in-prime-time/how-can-Seattle-get-rid-of-Beast-Mode-now? recap fare, I will try to put it all in perspective and remember 1) at least I’ve gotten to see the Saints win a Super Bowl, which was one of the best days of my life; and 2) some teams have it so much worse, so quit your very first-world bellyaching. And those other teams like the 49ers who always seem to get off the hook? They’re getting their whining licenses revoked today too in our Lady Blitz arbitrary rankings feature, the Most and Least Tormented Teams in the NFL:
The 5 Least Tormented Teams in the NFL
I took history, forward outlook and the general balance of triumph, embarrassment and karma of these franchises into consideration. So while the Broncos get a very hearty runner-up here for example, Peyton Manning’s eventual retirement looms large for the next generation in Denver and they have had the most embarrassingly lop-sided Super Bowl losses by far of any NFL team in spite of great expectations. I’m also giving the Cowboys a pass for now because Jerry Jones.5) Indianapolis Colts
- Why Are They So Special? Assuming it’s safe to call Andrew Luck a once-in-a-generation quarterback at this point, the Colts have been blessed with three of those in the past 50 years: Luck, Unitas and Manning. The timing could not have been more perfect for Indianapolis to butt fumble its way into landing Luck with the first overall pick of 2012 after just one year of 2 - 14 misery with Manning on the sideline. They have two Lombardis and two NFL championships (prior to the merger) under their belt. And these days, they are one of the most dangerously resilient teams in the league. Coach Pagano goes down with leukemia? Bruce Arians steps up as the Coach of the Year and has spun similar magic in Arizona ever since. Down by 28 points in the third quarter of the wild card? Andrew Luck picks up his own fumble for a touchdown and destroys you. It’s not a matter of if but when the Colts get back to the Super Bowl and then it’s just a question of how many No. 12 will pick up in his prime.
- What Are They Still Whining About? No team is perfect, so what do our least- tormented teams want you to know about their every man struggles? Well, for the Colts, one thing has to be all of the injuries and PED-related suspensions that has kept the defense in particular from reaching its full potential. Still maturing, Andrew Luck sometimes forgets what color jerseys his team is wearing, but he also gets cornered into some desperate situations given that Indianapolis gave up some serious draft collateral for the wildly inefficient ways of Trent Richardson on the ground. Finally, there’s John Irsay, a walking pharmacy who should really consider deleting that Twitter account and just shutting up in general. Ironically, suspensions will help with that.
4) New England Patriots
- Why Are They So Special? As any lifelong Patriots fan is quick to remind you, it took this team decades of misery to get to good, but you'd be pressed to find a team that has been more successful over the past 15 years than this one. In the Brady/Belichick era, they've been to eight AFC championships and five Super Bowls, gone 16 - 0 in the regular season and won three Lombardis during that time. They've also been blessed with one of the least competitive divisions in football, having finished first in the AFC East 11 of the past 13 seasons. And though Tom Brady is obviously the cornerstone of this roster, this coaching staff and front office have proven they can be resilient without Brady at his best. Look no further than 2008 when the Pats went 11 - 5 with Matt Cassel under center; he's never played remotely close to that level since his time in New England. So however long Bill Belichick decides to stick around, you just can't rule this team out. Plus, Boston is the only city that has seen each of its big four teams win at least one championship since 2000, those spoiled chowderheads.
- What Are They Still Whining About? I probably need a fact checker on this one, but I'm pretty sure the phrase "Ever since Spy Gate" is illegal in the state of Massachusetts. There's no denying that the Patriots have been the most dominant NFL team in the modern era, but for all of the division titles and Tecmo numbers, they haven't won the big one since 2004. And with Brady at age 37, that Super Bowl window gets a little narrower each time they come up short.
- Why Are They So Special? Well, winning the first two Super Bowls ever with Bart Starr never hurts, plus two more with Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers. Then there were those nine NFL Championships before all that which sort of prevents you from rolling your eyes at the fact that Green Bay calls itself “Title Town.” The Packers are also the only publicly owned franchise in the league, which tugs at your mom-and-pop heartstrings compared to the many unlovable billionaire sociopaths who run just about every other big four franchise. And as far as future outlooks go, Aaron Rodgers remains arguably the best quarterback in the league today with many good years ahead, and he’s got some solid supporting cast members around him in Eddie Lacy, Jordy Nelson and Clay Matthews among others. As last year’s Week 17 playoff-clinching miracle win against the Bears shows, you cannot count the Packers out as long as No. 12 is on the field.
- What Are They Still Whining About? Sure, Brett Favre earned three MVPs and a Super Bowl during his long tenure in Green Bay, but Packers fans also had to endure many a boneheaded cross-the-body pick six and selfish contract holdouts during that time to capture one trophy. These days, it would be generous to call this team average when Aaron Rodgers isn’t playing. They went 2-5-1 last season when he was sidelined with a broken collarbone, and it’s a wonder that Dom Capers is still in charge of a defense that always seems to fall apart in the playoffs, particularly against the 49ers. Finally, for all of the [deserved] fanfare Rodgers gets as a dominant quarterback, he’s about two lackluster playoff seasons away from becoming the new Peyton Manning choke artist. Outside of Green Bay’s 2010 Super Bowl run, the Packers are just 1 - 4 under Rodgers despite his often gaudy regular season performances.
2) Pittsburgh Steelers
- Why Are They So Special? It's impossible to leave out the good ole Sixburgh Steelers, whose many sleeve-tatted hillbilly fans will remind you that they have more Super Bowl wins than any other team in the NFL. Not only are the Steelers the most decorated team in the Super Bowl era, they've been one of the most regularly successful teams over time. They've had 26 playoff appearances since 1972 and only three head coaches, each of whom has won at least one Lombardi. No matter who's on the roster, this team tends to find its way to success. From the Immaculate Reception onward, this is a team that just finds ways to win, usually in the ugliest ways possible.
- What Are They Still Whining About? Not a lot these days, though the Steelers are the only team that ever has and ever will lose to Tim Tebow in the playoffs. The Pittsburgh defense has certainly lost a step in recent years with aging stars and a regular slew of injuries, so the test going forward will be how well the Steelers' up-and-coming recent draft classes fare. Plus, Ben Roethlisberger is still a terrible person and Todd Haley can't fool us forever with that offense.
1) San Francisco 49ers
- Why Are They So Special? Two years ago, the 49ers were just inches--inches!--away from tying Pittsburgh for the most Super Bowl wins in the NFL. But five trophies is still pretty darn good along with two full decades of prominence under Bill Walsh, Joe Montana, Jerry Rice and Steve Young. At least three of those guys are in the top three Hall of Famers for their position/role. Beginning in 1981, they made the playoffs 16 times in 18 seasons and their only losing season during that span was during the 1982 players' strike. And though Niners fans suffered through some pitiful years in between then and now with Mike Singletary and bad Alex Smith among others, there was virtually no rebuilding needed once Jim Harbaugh stepped into place. He's taken San Francisco to three consecutive NFC championships and one Super Bowl in his first three years as head coach and turned both Alex Smith and Colin Kaepernick into gold under center. If Harbaugh can keep it together with the 49ers' front office (and that could be a considerable "if" to be fair), this team is built to dominate for years to come. Just makes you sick.
- What Are They Still Whining About? Are you familiar with Jim Harbaugh? He's made the Forty Whiners moniker all his own and always seems to have a good excuse for why his team got screwed in just about every loss under his tenure. To be fair, their most recent playoff exits have all been no-cigar agonizing for fans even though the rest of us would kill to reach a conference championship every year. In 2012, they lost to the overmatched Giants at home thanks in part to a butterfingers return team (and also Alex Smith). In 2013, they couldn't convert a goal line fourth down in the Super Bowl thanks to possible defensive holding that wasn't flagged (and also racking up a 22-point deficit first). And in 2014, they got a turnover-riddled fourth quarter from Colin Kaepernick in Seattle though it was an admirable loss.
The 5 Most Tormented Teams in the NFL
And now for the teams that deserve the tiniest violin for decades of misery, despair and hopelessness. There are no Super Bowl winners here, and my highly scientific criteria took into consideration both the teams that have never been remotely competent in the modern era and those that came so painfully close to triumph only for the football gods to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. If you're wondering, I have not included the Eagles. Those fans have gotten everything they deserve.5) Arizona Cardinals
- Why Does the Universe Hate Them? If there's a dark horse in this group, the Arizona Cardinals are it. But that's just the thing - the best they've ever done is be the dark horse that can't quite get there. The Cardinals have only won their division four times since 1960, and even though Bruce Arians has tremendous upside for the team now, they still have to scratch and claw their way through the rest of the NFC West with three other highly competitive teams. This season, they've had their best start since Lyndon Johnson was in the White House but with Carson Palmer going down last weekend, does anyone truly believe this team will keep its top seed by the end of December? Outside of their Super Bowl year, Arizona has won just two playoff games in the modern era. And then there's that Super Bowl year. The Cardinals had one of the most miraculous chip-in-a-chair runs you will ever see with an MVP performance from Kurt Warner. They even managed to go up by three points with less than three minutes in the fourth quarter of SBXLIII against the heavily favored Steelers. But then by sheer divine intervention, Santonio Holmes caught an impossible TD catch and crushed the Cardinals dreams once again, to be expected.
- Should They Even Go On? If I'm giving each of these teams at least one reason to go on, the Cardinals have quite a few as of 2014 (other than Carson Palmer's ACL and shiny new contract). Bruce Arians looks to be the next big thing in coaching, and Arizona's defense has performed at an elite level for three years now despite losing many players to injury, suspension and free agency. And if the Cardinals can continue to win with Drew Stanton, they'll finally get another one of those elusive division titles despite all of the hype between the Seahawks and 49ers.
4) Cleveland Browns
- Why Does the Universe Hate Them? The phrase "God Hates Cleveland" is instantly recognizable, so that really says something. All of Cleveland's sports franchises have had their woes, but the Browns practically trademarked unending misery. After their first two decades of prominence and dominance as a franchise, the Browns have tortured fans with late/postseason collapses, hopeless years of failure, and a revolving door of incompetent players, coaches and management. And now they have a micromanaging corporate pirate for an owner who's only distinction from Jerry Jones is that he doesn't like the camera as much. The Browns haven't won their division since 1989 and have never been to a Super Bowl. But perhaps the biggest kicker had to be when this city watched its franchise move away to Baltimore in 1996 where the team won its first Lombardi almost immediately.
- Should They Even Go On? I know what you're thinking - how can the Browns land in only fourth place on this list? Well for one, Cleveland was an incredibly successful team although it was before most of us were alive. With greats Paul Brown, Jim Brown and Otto Graham, they went to 15 league championships and won eight of them over the course of two decades. Plus, the Browns have been in that tricky spot ever since that time where they've been so bad that it's been impossible to dash their fans very low expectations. Failure is part of the Cleveland experience with just a little less charm than the Chicago Cubs. I acknowledge the failures of my logic here, Browns fans, but like everything else you'll just have to deal with it. Anyway, this season marks one of the most optimistic years in recent memory. Cleveland outright stomped the Bengals in Cincinnati last week and is currently in sole possession of the AFC North. Coach Mike Pettine and journeyman quarterback Brian Hoyer have been a whole lot better than advertised, and Browns fans have a lot to smile about for the moment.
3) Minnesota Vikings
- Why Does the Universe Hate Them? Now we get to a team that has been infuriatingly close to that prized Super Bowl title and come up short every time, often in face-palming fashion. The Vikings have been to four Super Bowls and lost each of them by at least ten points. No matter how good they look going into the playoffs, they've found ways to lose that would send any fan into weeks of grief afterwards. Most recently, there was Minnesota's magical 15 - 1 season in 1998 when the team had a chance to land a game-winning field goal against the Falcons and get to the Super Bowl. Gary Anderson, who hadn't missed a single kick all season, pushed it wide left and closed the door on one of the greatest seasons in Vikings history. The team fizzled in similar fashion with an ugly cross-the-body interception from Brett Favre against the Saints in 2010. And most recently, one of their best franchise players of all time just plead no contest for beating his child to the point of physical injury. Every time Minnesota fans hold their breath for greatness, they get misery back tenfold.
- Should They Even Go On? Even though the Vikings have never obtained the ultimate prize, they've had a lot of bright spots over the years - the Purple People Eaters generation, Randy Moss, Cris Carter and four Super Bowl appearances. Things are a bit dicier these days with Peterson's legal situation and Teddy Bridgewater looking pretty uneven in his rookie outing under center. Plus, as long as Aaron Rodgers stays in Green Bay, the NFC North belongs to the Packers plain and simple. But coach Mike Zimmer has got his defense playing some great ball - they lead the league in sacks and are just getting started with the new leadership regime.
2) Detroit Lions
- Why Does the Universe Hate Them? Plain and simple, the Lions have only won one playoff game since 1957. And even though this team had perhaps the best running back of all time in Barry Sanders, they only won their division twice during his tenure in Detroit. Sanders also walked away well before he passed his prime, bringing the only bright spot in the Lions' modern history to a close well before fans were ready to say goodbye. The Lions are the only NFL team ever to go 0 - 16 in a regular season (although the Oakland Raiders will try to give them some company this year) and they've only had two winning seasons since Sanders left. They just crumble at every opportunity to take a step forward with last year being a prime example. After starting the year 5 - 3 in first place in the NFC North (sound familiar, 2014?), the Lions were practically a shoe-in for the playoffs with both Aaron Rodgers and Jay Cutler suffering significant injuries. Instead, Detroit finished the rest of the season 2 - 6 and sent Jim Schwartz packing. Who knows how they'll blow it this year. I simply don't doubt that they will.
- Should They Even Go On? Well, don't look now but the Lions hold first place in the NFC North and the Packers, as always, look like the only real divisional contender they'll have to deal with. Detroit has had some near-miraculous wins this season, the kinds of close games they've always seemed to lose in the past, so maybe they are a team of destiny. And whether it's the coaching change or all those first-round picks the Lions have accumulated during their most miserable seasons, Detroit's defense looks even more legit than its Matt Stafford-to-Megatron powered offense these days. This team is still a young one whose odds of winning a playoff game are better now than they've been in two decades. But they'll probably find a way to screw it up, bless their hearts.
1) Buffalo Bills
- Why Does the Universe Hate Them? Say what you will about the rankings of these other teams, no other franchise has gone to four straight Super Bowls and lost every single one of them. With Hall of Famers Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas, the Bills were a force to be reckoned with in the AFC, winning six division titles in eight years. But they just couldn't close in on the big one. I can't even imagine what it would be like to be a Bills fan watching that third or fourth Super Bowl appearance - how would you even begin to fool yourself into thinking "Maybe this time we won't blow it"? As painful as all four losses must have been, at least the latter two against the Cowboys were blowouts that allowed Bills fans to get back to their regularly-scheduled binge drinking quickly. The worst loss had to be against the Giants in 1990 when Scott Norwood shanked the game-winning field goal, forever dooming the Bills to a kind of misery they could not have even fathomed at that moment. If that wasn't enough, Buffalo holds the league's longest current streaks for missing the playoffs and going without a winning season. In fact, the Bills' last playoff appearance was the one and only Music City Miracle, where the Titans almost certainly got away with an illegal forward pass to send the Bills home earlier than they deserved. Also, Buffalo's pretty cold and depressing as it is.
- Should They Even Go On? I apologize in advance for the brutal jinx I am about to impart, but the Bills are in prime position to lock down that elusive winning season and even have a shot of making the playoffs after ten weeks of play in 2014. Sammy Watkins has been everything and more as a shot in the arm on this offense. For once, the Bills don't look foolish for trading up to get him with the third overall pick. And though Kyle Orton may not be the long-term answer for this team, coach Doug Marrone may have saved Buffalo's season by putting this veteran journeyman in for E.J. Manuel to give the Bills a chance nearly every week. Seriously, if you're not rooting for the Bills to somehow pull off a miracle playoff berth this year, you have no soul.
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