Week 13 Picks for Every NFL Game

The finish line is in sight for the 2014 regular season with no more bye weeks and a whole lot of divisions up for grabs that aren’t the AFC East. I’m thankful for a cornucopia of great games coming up this holiday weekend (and family and stuff) and at peace with the fact that I probably won’t be able to repeat the kind of blistering hot picks record I achieved in Week 12. With that in mind, here goes nothing:

Top Shelf Games: Talent-rich, highly competitive and aged in oak barrels... spiritually speaking

Philadelphia Eagles at Dallas Cowboys (-3) - Remember how frequently the Cowboys' Thanksgiving games have sucked in recent years?  Throw all of that out the window with a rekindled NFC East rivalry between the 8 - 3 Eagles and Cowboys.  Lady Blitz Game of the Week?  Natch.  I think the Eagles will put up a good fight, but Philly has been most successful this year by generating turnovers and getting aggressive with their pass rush.  That'll be none too easy against Dallas's MVP-worthy offensive line.  Also going against the Eagles: Mark Sanchez.

Seattle Seahawks at San Francisco 49ers (-1) - I love how the NFL seems to pick the most delightfully nasty rivalries to round out the Thanksgiving slate at night.  It doesn't get much bloodier than the Seahawks and 49ers, and given the state of the NFC wild card race, this could end up being a fatal blow to at least one of these teams' playoff hopes.  In a game that always seems to be up for grabs until the final whistle, I see the Niners eking it out at home with a defense that's finally back at full speed. 

Cleveland Browns at Buffalo Bills (-2.5) - Josh  Gordon and Sammy Watkins.  Two brutal defenses.  Two befuddling quarterbacks.  It could all mean a lot of fun as these surprisingly good teams muscle for position in the heated AFC playoff race.  The Bills usually let me down when I pick 'em, so apologies in advance to this cabin-feverish fan base, but I think Buffalo's run-stuffing ways will be too much for the Browns to hold steady on offense.

New England Patriots at Green Bay Packers (-3) - Were there not more pressing playoff implications elsewhere on the schedule, this would surely be the Lady Blitz Game of the Week. But barring unforeseen disaster, the Pats and the Pack look like shoe-ins for their division titles at this point, so this is just offensive juggernaut lagniappe for all of us. Never thought I’d see those three words strung together.  Also, I would not complain at all if these two teams end up meeting again in February. For that reason, this is a tough game to pick - the Packers are mighty good at home, but these are the kind of coaching performances Bill Belichick lives for.  Somehow, I think he'll find one too many wrinkles for Mike McCarthy and Dom Capers to adapt to.

 Denver Broncos (-1.5) at Kansas City Chiefs - Alright, alright.  This might be a far-fetched pick, especially seeing how the Chiefs just laid an egg in Oakland a week ago.  The Broncos should absolutely win this game by most statistical measures, but I'm thinking of two things: 1) that Denver's offensive line has really struggled - not a good matchup against a solid Chiefs pass rush; and 2) I believe in emotional games.  With Eric Berry sidelined for the season with a possible lymphoma diagnosis, you better believe KC is going to try to get a big-time W for him in prime time.

Well Drink Games: They may surprise you from time to time without all the high expectations

Chicago Bears at Detroit Lions (-7) - Detroit should have reason to celebrate this season with a ferocious defense matching up against the sputtering Bears' offense on Turkey Day.  Jay Cutler will bring his famous pouting casserole for all to share!

San Diego Chargers at Baltimore Ravens (-5.5) -The Ravens look primed to make a playoff run with plenty of juice in the receiving corps and a young, disruptive defense stepping up nicely against the lesser teams Baltimore should beat.  The Chargers fit that "lesser teams Baltimore should beat" bill to a tee.

New Orleans Saints at Pittsburgh Steelers (-4) - Alright Saints, it is time to tank like there's no tomorrow until the month of April.  Whatever NFC South team falls backwards into the playoffs could end up going 15 spots later in the draft than it would otherwise be.  And this team desperately needs some young, physical talent in the trenches that Pittsburgh will be taking advantage of this week.

Arizona Cardinals (-2.5) at Atlanta Falcons - Talk about yin and yang, this game may come to symbolize the best and worst coaching regimes in the NFL right now. The Falcons are beyond desperate at this point to keep the NFC South title in their sights, but the Cardinals’ secondary always seems to have Matt Ryan’s number, so Arizona it is.

House Punch Games: Most likely to be lop-sided, sloppy and/or otherwise painful to digest

Washington Redskinks at Indianapolis Colts (-9.5) - It's Colt vs. the Colts on Sunday in the next chapter of the Redskinks' revolving door of quarterbacks.  So I'm picking the plural team.

Tennessee Titans at Houston Texans (-6.5) - I was wrong about a lot of preseason win-loss predictions, but I did peg the Titans as a 4 - 12 team, just sayin'.  Even Ryan Fitzpatrick should be fine facing his former, downtrodden team.  And as a bonus, he's been ready for Movember for months!

New York Giants (-2.5) at Jacksonville Jaguars - After dropping six straight games during a brutal stretch in the schedule, the Giants should finally have some relief this week.  In fact, they could make a nice meaningless run to close out the season with the Jags, Titans, Redskinks and Rams coming up.  That's enough for Odell Beckham to start his own NFL Globetrotters series against some spotty secondaries.

Cincinnati Bengals (-3.5) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers - The Buccaneers are still trying.  The Buccaneers are still bad.  Plus, the only time Andy Dalton can be called reliable is from the hours of 12 - 3pm, which is good for the Bengals this week.

Oakland Raiders at St. Louis Rams (-7) - I was genuinely impressed with the Raiders' sole win to this point in the season last week.  That was no accident - they were aggressive upfront in keeping the Chiefs off schedule and had some pretty plays from rookie Derek Carr.  Still, does anyone think they can do it again, especially away from home against a fantastic front seven?

Carolina Panthers at Minnesota Vikings (-3) - The Panthers could definitely win this thing depending on how many ice baths Cam Newton was able to take during his time off. Still, the way Carolina's offensive line has struggled, they'll have a very tough time in the frosty environs of Minnesota against Everson Griffin and his sack-happy colleagues.

Miami Dolphins (-6) at New York Jets - Somehow the Jets have come back around in deciding their best quarterback option is Geno Smith.  That is all.



So How's My Pickin'?
Last Week's Record: 13 - 2
Season Record: 117 - 60 - 1

Week 12 Picks for Every NFL Game

I'm getting a little pre-Thanksgiving senioritis about this blog; hence the picks will be brief and filled with even less sound reasoning than usual. But since you asked, here are my Week 12 picks for every NFL game:

Top Shelf Games: Talent-rich, highly competitive and aged in oak barrels... spiritually speaking

Arizona Cardinals at Seattle Seahawks (-6.5) - What an epic NFC West tumble in the Hawks' Nest - I think I'll make it the Lady Blitz Game of the Week.  The Cardinals have no problem being the underdog for another week, but sooner or later, I think they'll stumble with so many injuries.  Seattle might be that place.

Detroit Lions at New England Patriots (-7) - I can't wait to see how the mighty Detroit defense fares in Foxboro against Gronk and friends.  It should be a good chess match of an early game, but the Lions' offense hasn't proven it can hold serve in several weeks.

Miami Dolphins at Denver Broncos (-7) - And finally, our only other game this week between two teams with winning records.  Woo.  The Broncos should be wary since the Dolphins have a defense that's every bit as good as the Rams were last week, but I reckon the Denver Peytons will rebound.

Well Drink Games: They may surprise you from time to time without all the high expectations

Cleveland Browns at Atlanta Falcons (-3) - The Browns should win this, right? They've matched up well against teams with a mediocre-to-bad defense and the Falcons have one of those.

Green Bay Packers (-9.5) at Minnesota Vikings - In all likelihood, this won't be an interesting game for very long, but hopefully the Vikings' pass rush and growing stable of second-tier running backs will make things a little more ground-y and pound-y than the Packers would like for a couple quarters.  Before Aaron Rodgers destroys all.

Cincinnati Bengals at Houston Texans (-2) - Despite Andy Dalton's impressive rebound in New Orleans last week, he's never had a good time in Houston, at least in January.  With A.J. Green and Giovanni Bernard returning, I'll take a chance on the Bengals this time around.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Chicago Bears (-5.5) - The only reason this game isn't in the House Punch is because Lovie Smith is returning to Chicago with the weird possibility of keeping the 2 - 8 Bucs alive in the playoff hunt.  It'd be sweet if he could exact revenge on the Bears for dumping him after a 10-win season, but Tampa's still a pretty shady team, just sayin'.

St. Louis Rams at San Diego Chargers (-4.5) - Protect Philip Rivers' ribs, for the love of the contusion gods!  Given the Chargers' recent woes on the offensive line, there's a legitimate chance the Rams can win this one.  But now that San Diego's got Ryan Mathews back to take some pressure off of Rivers, I'm thinking the Chargers start turning it around and playing the slow, physical style they prefer.

Dallas Cowboys (-3.5) at New York Giants - Although "Bad Eli" has been somewhat of a rarity this season, Good Eli has yet to make an appearance.  And judging by the Giants' total inability to stop Marshawn Lynch a couple weeks back in Seattle, DeMarco Murray will be more than enough for Dallas to control this game.

Baltimore Ravens at New Orleans Saints (-3.5) - Generally speaking, the Saints are unimpeachable in prime time in the Superdome.  But seeing as how this season is going, I guess I'll go ahead and jinx them again.  They deserve it.

House Punch Games: Most likely to be lop-sided, sloppy and/or otherwise painful to digest

Kansas City Chiefs (-7) at Oakland Raiders - Poor Oakland.  Poor, poor Oakland.

Tennessee Titans at Philadelphia Eagles (-11) -  You know, Zach Mettenberger might not be all that bad for the Titans.  I think they've got a little more of a shot than the spread would suggest, especially seeing Mark Sanchez return to his old befuddling ways in Green Bay last week.  But it's the Titans.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianapolis Colts (-14) - This game will still probably get higher ratings than the last five World Series combined.  Chew on that for a minute.

New York Jets at Buffalo Bills (-4.5) - The weather conditions couldn't be more perfect for some ugly smashmouth football from these rivals. Expect the Bills to play bully to the Jets' stagnant offense during yet another blizzard.

Washington Redskinks at San Francisco 49ers (-9) - New idea for a reality show: Jim Harbaugh and RG3 doing joint press conferences. It'd be virtually as appealing as the Kardashians and they did okay.



So How's My Pickin'?
Last Week's Record: 9 -5
Season Record: 104 - 58 - 1

Week 11 NFL Recap

What an exciting Tuesday for this sports lover! Things are really looking up with the Memphis Grizzlies starting the season 10 - 1, the very best record in the NBA after routing a very good Houston Rockets squad. Oh wait, this is a professional football blog? I have to discuss the Saints or any portion of the NFC South? Well nevermind then. Here’s your Week 11 recap, starting with the good stuff:

Week 11: The Good Stuff

The St. Louis Spoilers - I demand an immediate transfer of the St. Louis Rams to the NFC South where they could win out and not be a total joke in January. Although the Rams have only four wins this season, they are arguably the best four wins of any team in the NFL, and when you consider St. Louis’s total portfolio of work, they’ve had some very respectable losses too that make this team much better than their record. First, they ran special teams circles around the Seahawks for their first wild west kind of upset. Then, they sacked the Colin Kaepernick 8 times and managed a spectacular goal line stand in San Francisco. But none of that compares to holding Peyton Manning’s Broncos to 7 points on Sunday. Even though Denver had some very tough game-time injuries to overcome, there’s no diminishing how the Rams’ defensive front came alive, keeping Manning off his mark all afternoon and forcing a rare multiple-interception game from the great one. Are you not entertained?!

Mike Evans' Transcendence - If there’s a dark horse moving up swiftly for Offensive Rookie of the Year, it’s Tampa’s lone bright spot WR Mike Evans. Evans was enough to save Josh McCown’s starts for another week with 200 yards and 2 TDs against the reeling Redskinks on Sunday. In fact, he’s the first rookie receiver to put up at least 100 yards and a touchdown three weeks in a row since Randy Moss in 1998. That’s a big freakin’ deal. And since the football gods clearly have a sense of humor about everything I love and hold dear, you can’t even rule the 2 - 8 Bucs out of the playoffs since they’re only two games back from the 4 - 6 Falcons. Not the way Evans makes this offense look suddenly more than functional.

The Red Bird Rasputins - Every time it looks like the Cardinals are about to regress to the mean with another injury and another formidable opponent, they flip you off and keep on winning. At this point, there’s nothing accidental about Arizona going 10 - 6 last year or having the best record in the league through 11 weeks in 2014. That defense and passing game are legit no matter who’s on the field. And Sunday was another proof point for the league’s most resilient team: Carson Palmer out for the season, journeyman backup Drew Stanton in his place against a ferocious Detroit defense, Calvin Johnson returning to give the Lions some much-needed stretch on offense. It wasn’t pretty, but the Cardinals came away with yet another improbable win and looked very much in control the whole time they were doing it. I’m falling in love and making no inferences about how they’ll do in the postseason lest I doom them with my usual blogging jinx of death.

Nailed It!  My Best Week 11 Prediction - In the end, it seems like a no-brainer, but the Colts were favored at home to get the upper hand against the Patriots.  Too bad I deleted that whole section I was going to write about Jonas Gray's breakout from the practice squad...:

• [Brady has] played lights out ever since the Gronk returned to full health, and the Patriots have simply beaten better teams this year than the Colts.  Throw in the fact that Bill Belichick has had two straight weeks to prepare for this one, and I'm sticking with New England another year.

Week 11: The Bad Stuff

Seattle's Worst on Fourth Down - To be fair, I don't blame Pete Carroll's team for going for it on fourth down on three consecutive drives Sunday.  The first time, they were down by four at the goal-line, but Russell Wilson missed Doug Baldwin in the corner of the end zone.  Then they started running out of time and gambled on a 4th-and-1 with Marshawn Lynch, which usually works.  Not against the run-stuffing Chiefs.  Their last 4th-down was a desperation attempt with a minute to go in the game.  But in every case, the Seahawks' offense, which has done practically anything it wants to at times this season, looked tentative and relied heavily on Russell Wilson trying to improvise his way out of sack after sack at Arrowhead.  A lot of credit goes to the Chiefs too now that this defense is back at full-steam, but Seattle fans should start getting nervous about the state of the NFC West if this team doesn't turn it around on offense ASAP. 

Saints No More, 'Aints Again - True story: I told my husband the Saints were going to lose the moment I saw the pre-game huddle with Drew Brees on Sunday. Nobody was into it, and the few players trying to humor him were way out of sync. I could go on about the lack of confidence, the foregone sense of urgency, and outright miserable third-down defense well before I get to any excuses about injuries and age for this team. But these two plays against Cincinnati pretty much sum up everything wrong with the Saints this year: 1) Jeremy Hill’s 62-yard gash up the middle on a halftime draw play; and 2) Marcus Ball committing one of the most hilariously bad encroachment penalties I’ve ever seen.  (No video, but he pretty much ran full-force into the Bengals' offensive line without waiting for the snap). I’ve definitely shifted my wishful thinking in hopes that New Orleans tanks the rest of the way this season - there’s no need to miss out on whoever the top-rated defensive back of 2015 is going to be and the Saints have no business in the playoffs.

The Bad of Eli - They may be three games back in the NFC West, but you can’t count out the 49ers just yet after their defense absolutely dismantled the Giants. Having Aldon Smith back on the field next to one of the biggest rookie breakouts of the year in Chris Borland will do that. But Manning also helped things out with a 5-interception whopper of a passing performance.  They were mostly awful throws too - two into double/triple coverage, two that were off-target to open receivers and a real dagger deflected at the goal line in the fourth quarter that could have put the Giants in the lead against the sputtering 49ers offense. It's a wonder to think where Eli Manning would be today without two miracle Super Bowls with New York. In a deal with the devil, I guess a lot of Giants fans would gladly take 10 years of misery for two postseason runs that now seem especially unreal given Manning's past three mistake-riddled years.

Shanked It! My Worst Week 11 Prediction - Boy did I think I’d be dodging a bullet when it was announced Arian Foster would not start for the Texans. That evaporated pretty quickly. One thing I feel totally comfortable predicting: J.J. Watt for DPOY.

• In a move I'll almost certainly regret, I'm making a last-minute switch to the favored Browns.  The Texans have a real shot here with Arian Foster against a shaky rush defense and Mallett, whom Cleveland has almost zero film on, but maybe the Browns are actually good while the Texans are mediocre.

Week 11 Picks for Every NFL Game

Football things are happening! This very weekend. Let's see what the Lady Blitz crystal ball has in store for everyone, shall we? And in case you missed it yesterday, here are the most and least tormented franchises in the NFL for a bonus Thursday diversion.

Top Shelf Games: Talent-rich, highly competitive and aged in oak barrels... spiritually speaking

New England Patriots at Indianapolis Colts (-3) - Just two weeks after our first Brady-Manning bout of the year, we've got another potential classic on our hands when the Pats go to the House of Luck in prime time. Was there any doubt this would be the Lady Blitz Game of the Week?  Sooner or later the young gun in Indianapolis will have that "elite QB" label to himself in the AFC, but I don't think Tom Brady is ready to give up that crown just yet.  He's played lights out ever since the Gronk returned to full health, and the Patriots have simply beaten better teams this year than the Colts.  Throw in the fact that Bill Belichick has had two straight weeks to prepare for this one, and I'm sticking with New England another year.

Buffalo Bills at Miami Dolphins (-5.5) - Thursday night has another big-time divisional battle on its hands with the 5 - 4 Bills and Dolphins jockeying for position in a very crowded AFC.  These teams' strengths and weaknesses are so similar, it's a coin flip kind of game as far as I'm concerned.  My hunch says the Dolphins have a few more weapons on offense and homefield advantage going their way.  Plus, it just seems right that these two rivals will split this season in that highly scientific cosmic balance.

Philadelphia Eagles at Green Bay Packers (-5.5) - Mark Sanchez vs. Aaron Rodgers? Can’t hardly wait. There’s a good chance this game will get out of hand early as most games do for visitors at Lambeau Field. Still, if I’m giving the Eagles a chance here, Philly’s defense and special teams have flown under the radar but been excellent this year. Although the Panthers aren’t the Packers, the Eagles had 9 sacks, 3 interceptions and 2 forced fumbles against Carolina last week plus a punt returned for a touchdown. If they can throw Rodgers out of rhythm early and maintain good field position, they’ve got a chance here. But I still think that chance is pretty slim.

Seattle Seahawks at Kansas City Chiefs (-1.5) - This could be a superbly ugly game given how well the Chiefs defense is playing lately. I don’t see a scenario where they allow Marshawn Lynch to put up 4 TDs the way he did last week in manhandling the Giants. In fact, Kansas City hasn’t allowed a rushing touchdown yet this season, and that could really hamper the Seahawks from executing their typical “run first and wear them down” game plan.  It feels weird to pick against Seattle, but they've had a pretty weird year and the Chiefs aren't a great matchup for them.

Detroit Lions at Arizona Cardinals (-2) - If you thought Bruce Arians was a wizard before, he's got one of his greatest coaching tests yet this week with Drew Stanton starting against a very good Lions team.  I expect this to be a low-scoring slugfest between two excellent defenses vying for the top seed in the NFC, but as good as Arians has been, it'd be a miracle for him to sneak by that Detroit front four with Stanton and Andre Ellington.  Nevertheless, I very much look forward to Patrick Peterson squaring off with Calvin Johnson.

Well Drink Games: They may surprise you from time to time without all the high expectations

Houston Texans at Cleveland Browns (-3) - It’s lonely in the Well Drink bucket this week, but  Texans v. Browns is a good candidate for four competitive quarters of old-school, smashmouth football that may well hinge on who makes the fewest mistakes. Adding to the intrigue is Ryan Mallett, who will start his first game under center with Houston this week. In a move I'll almost certainly regret, I'm making a last-minute switch to the favored Browns.  The Texans have a real shot here with Arian Foster against a shaky rush defense and Mallett, whom Cleveland has almost zero film on, but maybe the Browns are actually good while the Texans are mediocre.

Cincinnati Bengals at New Orleans Saints (-3) - Nothing surprises me anymore with the Saints. Nothing. They could easily lose this game to a Bengals team that’s about to get desperate with so much divisional competition in the AFC North. Weirdly enough, you could say the same thing about the 4 - 5 Saints despite the failures of the rest of the NFC South. I’m just hoping they can hold on through the end of the fourth quarter but maybe give up a touchdown or two before then to Jeremy Hill to help me save my own fantasy season. (RIP, Carson Palmer...). Who Dat > Who Dey

San Francisco 49ers (-4) at New York Giants - I admire the Giants for their three quarters of real fight against the Seahawks in Seattle last week. Ultimately though, they got pulverized by that Beast Mode ground game that never quits, which looks like a perfect recipe for San Francisco this weekend on the back of Frank Gore. Seriously New York, if you’re going to do that once-every-four-years improbable Super Bowl run, you’ve got to get yourself in gear now or never.

House Punch Games: Most likely to be lop-sided, sloppy and/or otherwise painful to digest

Minnesota Vikings at Chicago Bears (-3) - Fact: getting walloped in a rout is not actually a good predictor of how well or poorly a team will do the next week compared to the incoming competition. Case-in-point: the Buccaneers’ only victory this year was a stunning last-minute upset in Pittsburgh after giving up 56 points to the Falcons. The Bears looked atrocious in Green Bay and in Foxboro before that, and like the Vikings, they can pretty much kiss the playoffs goodbye at this point. But I still think they’ll do better than Minnesota in the confines of Soldier Field with a more experienced (but equally battered) quarterback than the Vikings.

Atlanta Falcons at Carolina Panthers (-1.5) -  Just when you thought you were safe for a little while from the woes of the NFC South, we’re getting another gem this weekend starring two of the worst offensive lines in football and two very porous defenses. First QB to turn into pink mist loses.  Based on the medieval treatment Cam Newton received on Monday night--and for shame, Ron Rivera, for keeping him in the game way too long--I think the Panthers will be on the losing end this time.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Washington Redskinks (-7) - I don’t have the energy to research this one, but I’m pretty sure this has been an NFC last-place punch bowl game for at least three of the past four seasons. If Tampa has a shot, the Redskinks’ offensive line really let them down in Minnesota two weeks ago, but the Bucs will also have to put up some semblance of points and yards on offense, so good luck with that.

Denver Broncos (-9.5) at St. Louis Rams - If you [rightfully] thought this game was going to be a snoozefest before, St. Louis is sitting gunslinger Austin Davis for Shaun Hill. Boo to that. But hey, the Rams have already beaten the Seahawks and 49ers this year, so maybe they’ll pull off another one of those 60 minute bouts of nothing-to-lose craziness. I don’t see the Broncos falling for it though.

Oakland Raiders at San Diego Chargers (-10) - I don’t know if you should take the points on this one. The Chargers have lost their early season mojo and Oakland was four points away from an upset in these teams’ first meeting this year. Universal counterpoint: but it’s the Raiders.

Pittsburgh Steelers (-6) at Tennessee Titans - Back when the Tennessee Titans were relevant, this was a fun and weird rivalry for a few years. Heck, they still managed to beat the Steelers last year despite being entirely inept. And the way Pittsburgh is playing teams like the Jets, Buccaneers and Jaguars this season, I wouldn’t be so sure the Titans can’t pull this one off. If they do though, it will because the Steelers beat themselves. With the stakes so high in the AFC North, I think they’ll pull themselves together this week.


So How's My Pickin'?
Last Week's Record: 9 - 4
Season Record: 93 - 53 - 1

The Most and Least Tormented Teams in the NFL

Alright, dear readers. I really was this close to foregoing the weekly recap this time around. I’ve dipped back into pretty severe moping over a team I’ve told you I’d given up on already multiple times this season. It’s true, the Saints are still somehow in the driver’s seat in the NFC South with a shot to make the playoffs, but I cannot think of a more miserable season to suffer through when the expectations were so high for this team. Sunday’s soul-crushing overtime loss to the 49ers marked the fourth time this season New Orleans has had a lead inside the final two minutes of regulation and lost. The fourth. In ten weeks. And with the Niners getting saved twice with a 4th-and-forever conversion by Colin Kaepernick and a negated Hail Mary touchdown to Jimmy Graham on a pretty shaky PI call, sometimes you just feel like fate is out to get your team in ways that are inescapable.

So instead of the usual Andy-Dalton-is-atrocious-in-prime-time/how-can-Seattle-get-rid-of-Beast-Mode-now? recap fare, I will try to put it all in perspective and remember 1) at least I’ve gotten to see the Saints win a Super Bowl, which was one of the best days of my life; and 2) some teams have it so much worse, so quit your very first-world bellyaching. And those other teams like the 49ers who always seem to get off the hook? They’re getting their whining licenses revoked today too in our Lady Blitz arbitrary rankings feature, the Most and Least Tormented Teams in the NFL:

The 5 Least Tormented Teams in the NFL

I took history, forward outlook and the general balance of triumph, embarrassment and karma of these franchises into consideration. So while the Broncos get a very hearty runner-up here for example, Peyton Manning’s eventual retirement looms large for the next generation in Denver and they have had the most embarrassingly lop-sided Super Bowl losses by far of any NFL team in spite of great expectations.  I’m also giving the Cowboys a pass for now because Jerry Jones.

5) Indianapolis Colts

• Why Are They So Special? Assuming it’s safe to call Andrew Luck a once-in-a-generation quarterback at this point, the Colts have been blessed with three of those in the past 50 years: Luck, Unitas and Manning. The timing could not have been more perfect for Indianapolis to butt fumble its way into landing Luck with the first overall pick of 2012 after just one year of 2 - 14 misery with Manning on the sideline. They have two Lombardis and two NFL championships (prior to the merger) under their belt. And these days, they are one of the most dangerously resilient teams in the league. Coach Pagano goes down with leukemia? Bruce Arians steps up as the Coach of the Year and has spun similar magic in Arizona ever since. Down by 28 points in the third quarter of the wild card? Andrew Luck picks up his own fumble for a touchdown and destroys you. It’s not a matter of if but when the Colts get back to the Super Bowl and then it’s just a question of how many No. 12 will pick up in his prime.
• What Are They Still Whining About? No team is perfect, so what do our least- tormented teams want you to know about their every man struggles? Well, for the Colts, one thing has to be all of the injuries and PED-related suspensions that has kept the defense in particular from reaching its full potential. Still maturing, Andrew Luck sometimes forgets what color jerseys his team is wearing, but he also gets cornered into some desperate situations given that Indianapolis gave up some serious draft collateral for the wildly inefficient ways of Trent Richardson on the ground. Finally, there’s John Irsay, a walking pharmacy who should really consider deleting that Twitter account and just shutting up in general. Ironically, suspensions will help with that.

4) New England Patriots

• Why Are They So Special?  As any lifelong Patriots fan is quick to remind you, it took this team decades of misery to get to good, but you'd be pressed to find a team that has been more successful over the past 15 years than this one.  In the Brady/Belichick era, they've been to eight AFC championships and five Super Bowls, gone 16 - 0 in the regular season and won three Lombardis during that time.  They've also been blessed with one of the least competitive divisions in football, having finished first in the AFC East 11 of the past 13 seasons.  And though Tom Brady is obviously the cornerstone of this roster, this coaching staff and front office have proven they can be resilient without Brady at his best.  Look no further than 2008 when the Pats went 11 - 5 with Matt Cassel under center; he's never played remotely close to that level since his time in New England.  So however long Bill Belichick decides to stick around, you just can't rule this team out.  Plus, Boston is the only city that has seen each of its big four teams win at least one championship since 2000, those spoiled chowderheads.
• What Are They Still Whining About?  I probably need a fact checker on this one, but I'm pretty sure the phrase "Ever since Spy Gate" is illegal in the state of Massachusetts. There's no denying that the Patriots have been the most dominant NFL team in the modern era, but for all of the division titles and Tecmo numbers, they haven't won the big one since 2004.  And with Brady at age 37, that Super Bowl window gets a little narrower each time they come up short.

3) Green Bay Packers

• Why Are They So Special?  Well, winning the first two Super Bowls ever with Bart Starr never hurts, plus two more with Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers. Then there were those nine NFL Championships before all that which sort of prevents you from rolling your eyes at the fact that Green Bay calls itself “Title Town.” The Packers are also the only publicly owned franchise in the league, which tugs at your mom-and-pop heartstrings compared to the many unlovable billionaire sociopaths who run just about every other big four franchise. And as far as future outlooks go, Aaron Rodgers remains arguably the best quarterback in the league today with many good years ahead, and he’s got some solid supporting cast members around him in Eddie Lacy, Jordy Nelson and Clay Matthews among others. As last year’s Week 17 playoff-clinching miracle win against the Bears shows, you cannot count the Packers out as long as No. 12 is on the field.
• What Are They Still Whining About? Sure, Brett Favre earned three MVPs and a Super Bowl during his long tenure in Green Bay, but Packers fans also had to endure many a boneheaded cross-the-body pick six and selfish contract holdouts during that time to capture one trophy. These days, it would be generous to call this team average when Aaron Rodgers isn’t playing. They went 2-5-1 last season when he was sidelined with a broken collarbone, and it’s a wonder that Dom Capers is still in charge of a defense that always seems to fall apart in the playoffs, particularly against the 49ers. Finally, for all of the [deserved] fanfare Rodgers gets as a dominant quarterback, he’s about two lackluster playoff seasons away from becoming the new Peyton Manning choke artist. Outside of Green Bay’s 2010 Super Bowl run, the Packers are just 1 - 4 under Rodgers despite his often gaudy regular season performances.

2) Pittsburgh Steelers

• Why Are They So Special?  It's impossible to leave out the good ole Sixburgh Steelers, whose many sleeve-tatted hillbilly fans will remind you that they have more Super Bowl wins than any other team in the NFL.  Not only are the Steelers the most decorated team in the Super Bowl era, they've been one of the most regularly successful teams over time.  They've had 26 playoff appearances since 1972 and only three head coaches, each of whom has won at least one Lombardi.  No matter who's on the roster, this team tends to find its way to success.  From the Immaculate Reception onward, this is a team that just finds ways to win, usually in the ugliest ways possible.
• What Are They Still Whining About? Not a lot these days, though the Steelers are the only team that ever has and ever will lose to Tim Tebow in the playoffs.  The Pittsburgh defense has certainly lost a step in recent years with aging stars and a regular slew of injuries, so the test going forward will be how well the Steelers' up-and-coming recent draft classes fare.  Plus, Ben Roethlisberger is still a terrible person and Todd Haley can't fool us forever with that offense.

1) San Francisco 49ers 

• Why Are They So Special?  Two years ago, the 49ers were just inches--inches!--away from tying Pittsburgh for the most Super Bowl wins in the NFL.  But five trophies is still pretty darn good along with two full decades of prominence under Bill Walsh, Joe Montana, Jerry Rice and Steve Young.  At least three of those guys are in the top three Hall of Famers for their position/role.  Beginning in 1981, they made the playoffs 16 times in 18 seasons and their only losing season during that span was during the 1982 players' strike.  And though Niners fans suffered through some pitiful years in between then and now with Mike Singletary and bad Alex Smith among others, there was virtually no rebuilding needed once Jim Harbaugh stepped into place.  He's taken San Francisco to three consecutive NFC championships and one Super Bowl in his first three years as head coach and turned both Alex Smith and Colin Kaepernick into gold under center.  If Harbaugh can keep it together with the 49ers' front office (and that could be a considerable "if" to be fair), this team is built to dominate for years to come.  Just makes you sick.
• What Are They Still Whining About? Are you familiar with Jim Harbaugh?  He's made the Forty Whiners moniker all his own and always seems to have a good excuse for why his team got screwed in just about every loss under his tenure.  To be fair, their most recent playoff exits have all been no-cigar agonizing for fans even though the rest of us would kill to reach a conference championship every year.  In 2012, they lost to the overmatched Giants at home thanks in part to a butterfingers return team (and also Alex Smith).  In 2013, they couldn't convert a goal line fourth down in the Super Bowl thanks to possible defensive holding that wasn't flagged (and also racking up a 22-point deficit first).  And in 2014, they got a turnover-riddled fourth quarter from Colin Kaepernick in Seattle though it was an admirable loss.

The 5 Most Tormented Teams in the NFL

And now for the teams that deserve the tiniest violin for decades of misery, despair and hopelessness.  There are no Super Bowl winners here, and my highly scientific criteria took into consideration both the teams that have never been remotely competent in the modern era and those that came so painfully close to triumph only for the football gods to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.  If you're wondering, I have not included the Eagles.  Those fans have gotten everything they deserve.

5) Arizona Cardinals 

• Why Does the Universe Hate Them?  If there's a dark horse in this group, the Arizona Cardinals are it.  But that's just the thing - the best they've ever done is be the dark horse that can't quite get there.  The Cardinals have only won their division four times since 1960, and even though Bruce Arians has tremendous upside for the team now, they still have to scratch and claw their way through the rest of the NFC West with three other highly competitive teams. This season, they've had their best start since Lyndon Johnson was in the White House but with Carson Palmer going down last weekend, does anyone truly believe this team will keep its top seed by the end of December?  Outside of their Super Bowl year, Arizona has won just two playoff games in the modern era.  And then there's that Super Bowl year.  The Cardinals had one of the most miraculous chip-in-a-chair runs you will ever see with an MVP performance from Kurt Warner.  They even managed to go up by three points with less than three minutes in the fourth quarter of SBXLIII against the heavily favored Steelers.  But then by sheer divine intervention, Santonio Holmes caught an impossible TD catch and crushed the Cardinals dreams once again, to be expected.
• Should They Even Go On? If I'm giving each of these teams at least one reason to go on, the Cardinals have quite a few as of 2014 (other than Carson Palmer's ACL and shiny new contract).  Bruce Arians looks to be the next big thing in coaching, and Arizona's defense has performed at an elite level for three years now despite losing many players to injury, suspension and free agency.  And if the Cardinals can continue to win with Drew Stanton, they'll finally get another one of those elusive division titles despite all of the hype between the Seahawks and 49ers.

4) Cleveland Browns

• Why Does the Universe Hate Them?  The phrase "God Hates Cleveland" is instantly recognizable, so that really says something.  All of Cleveland's sports franchises have had their woes, but the Browns practically trademarked unending misery.  After their first two decades of prominence and dominance as a franchise, the Browns have tortured fans with late/postseason collapses, hopeless years of failure, and a revolving door of incompetent players, coaches and management.  And now they have a micromanaging corporate pirate for an owner who's only distinction from Jerry Jones is that he doesn't like the camera as much.  The Browns haven't won their division since 1989 and have never been to a Super Bowl.  But perhaps the biggest kicker had to be when this city watched its franchise move away to Baltimore in 1996 where the team won its first Lombardi almost immediately. 
• Should They Even Go On? I know what you're thinking - how can the Browns land in only fourth place on this list?  Well for one, Cleveland was an incredibly successful team although it was before most of us were alive.  With greats Paul Brown, Jim Brown and Otto Graham, they went to 15 league championships and won eight of them over the course of two decades.  Plus, the Browns have been in that tricky spot ever since that time where they've been so bad that it's been impossible to dash their fans very low expectations.  Failure is part of the Cleveland   experience with just a little less charm than the Chicago Cubs.  I acknowledge the failures of my logic here, Browns fans, but like everything else you'll just have to deal with it.  Anyway, this season marks one of the most optimistic years in recent memory.  Cleveland outright stomped the Bengals in Cincinnati last week and is currently in sole possession of the AFC North.  Coach Mike Pettine and journeyman quarterback Brian Hoyer have been a whole lot better than advertised, and Browns fans have a lot to smile about for the moment.

 
3) Minnesota Vikings

• Why Does the Universe Hate Them?  Now we get to a team that has been infuriatingly close to that prized Super Bowl title and come up short every time, often in face-palming fashion.  The Vikings have been to four Super Bowls and lost each of them by at least ten points.  No matter how good they look going into the playoffs, they've found ways to lose that would send any fan into weeks of grief afterwards.  Most recently, there was Minnesota's magical 15 - 1 season in 1998 when the team had a chance to land a game-winning field goal against the Falcons and get to the Super Bowl.  Gary Anderson, who hadn't missed a single kick all season, pushed it wide left and closed the door on one of the greatest seasons in Vikings history.  The team fizzled in similar fashion with an ugly cross-the-body interception from Brett Favre against the Saints in 2010.  And most recently, one of their best franchise players of all time just plead no contest for beating his child to the point of physical injury.  Every time Minnesota fans hold their breath for greatness, they get misery back tenfold.
• Should They Even Go On? Even though the Vikings have never obtained the ultimate prize, they've had a lot of bright spots over the years - the Purple People Eaters generation, Randy Moss, Cris Carter and four Super Bowl appearances.  Things are a bit dicier these days with Peterson's legal situation and Teddy Bridgewater looking pretty uneven in his rookie outing under center.  Plus, as long as Aaron Rodgers stays in Green Bay, the NFC North belongs to the Packers plain and simple.  But coach Mike Zimmer has got his defense playing some great ball - they lead the league in sacks and are just getting started with the new leadership regime.

2) Detroit Lions

• Why Does the Universe Hate Them?  Plain and simple, the Lions have only won one playoff game since 1957.  And even though this team had perhaps the best running back of all time in Barry Sanders, they only won their division twice during his tenure in Detroit.  Sanders also walked away well before he passed his prime, bringing the only bright spot in the Lions' modern history to a close well before fans were ready to say goodbye.  The Lions are the only NFL team ever to go 0 - 16 in a regular season (although the Oakland Raiders will try to give them some company this year) and they've only had two winning seasons since Sanders left.  They just crumble at every opportunity to take a step forward with last year being a prime example.  After starting the year 5 - 3 in first place in the NFC North (sound familiar, 2014?), the Lions were practically a shoe-in for the playoffs with both Aaron Rodgers and Jay Cutler suffering significant injuries.  Instead, Detroit finished the rest of the season 2 - 6 and sent Jim Schwartz packing.  Who knows how they'll blow it this year.  I simply don't doubt that they will.
• Should They Even Go On? Well, don't look now but the Lions hold first place in the NFC North and the Packers, as always, look like the only real divisional contender they'll have to deal with.  Detroit has had some near-miraculous wins this season, the kinds of close games they've always seemed to lose in the past, so maybe they are a team of destiny.  And whether it's the coaching change or all those first-round picks the Lions have accumulated during their most miserable seasons, Detroit's defense looks even more legit than its Matt Stafford-to-Megatron powered offense these days. This team is still a young one whose odds of winning a playoff game are better now than they've been in two decades.  But they'll probably find a way to screw it up, bless their hearts.

1) Buffalo Bills

• Why Does the Universe Hate Them?  Say what you will about the rankings of these other teams, no other franchise has gone to four straight Super Bowls and lost every single one of them.  With Hall of Famers Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas, the Bills were a force to be reckoned with in the AFC, winning six division titles in eight years.  But they just couldn't close in on the big one.  I can't even imagine what it would be like to be a Bills fan watching that third or fourth Super Bowl appearance - how would you even begin to fool yourself into thinking "Maybe this time we won't blow it"?  As painful as all four losses must have been, at least the latter two against the Cowboys were blowouts that allowed Bills fans to get back to their regularly-scheduled binge drinking quickly.  The worst loss had to be against the Giants in 1990 when Scott Norwood shanked the game-winning field goal, forever dooming the Bills to a kind of misery they could not have even fathomed at that moment. If that wasn't enough, Buffalo holds the league's longest current streaks for missing the playoffs and going without a winning season.  In fact, the Bills' last playoff appearance was the one and only Music City Miracle, where the Titans almost certainly got away with an illegal forward pass to send the Bills home earlier than they deserved.  Also, Buffalo's pretty cold and depressing as it is.
• Should They Even Go On? I apologize in advance for the brutal jinx I am about to impart, but the Bills are in prime position to lock down that elusive winning season and even have a shot of making the playoffs after ten weeks of play in 2014.  Sammy Watkins has been everything and more as a shot in the arm on this offense.  For once, the Bills don't look foolish for trading up to get him with the third overall pick.  And though Kyle Orton may not be the long-term answer for this team, coach Doug Marrone may have saved Buffalo's season by putting this veteran journeyman in for E.J. Manuel to give the Bills a chance nearly every week.  Seriously, if you're not rooting for the Bills to somehow pull off a miracle playoff berth this year, you have no soul.

Week 10 Picks for Every NFL Game

Football things are happening! This very weekend. Let's see what the Lady Blitz crystal ball has in store for everyone, shall we?

Top Shelf Games: Talent-rich, highly competitive and aged in oak barrels... spiritually speaking

San Francisco 49ers at New Orleans Saints (-4.5) - I’m more than a little hesitant to make this battle between two 4 - 4 teams the Lady Blitz Game of the Week, but seriously, look at what we’re working with below. It's a good time to call your mother because there are very few exciting, non-lop-sided matchups to show for Week 10. The 49ers could not be more desperate to save their season while the Saints look to continue their winning ways from the past couple of weeks in the comforts of the Superdome. I am extremely nervous about this game, especially if Patrick Willis returns to crash Drew Brees’s party. But given one of the best homefield advantages in the league and the Saints’ improved pass rush, New Orleans still has the edge here in a rekindled NFC rivalry.

Miami Dolphins at Detroit Lions (-3) - Here’s a game I would have never thought in a million years would have been interesting two months ago. But here we are with the 5 - 3 Dolphins and 6 - 2 Lions and two ferocious defenses that have carried the load this season.  I've gone back and forth on this one many times (okay, like twice), and I guess I like Detroit at home, getting a functional Megatron back and facing an overmatched Ryan Tannehill who's been pretty good lately albeit against bad teams.

Kansas City Chiefs (-2) at Buffalo Bills - This is sort of the O'Henry of impossible-to-predict matchups.  The Chiefs live and die by the run on offense, but the Bills defense is among the stingiest.  Buffalo is atoning for the loss of C.J. Spiller and Fred Jackson by airing it out with good-as-advertised Sammy Watkins.  But Kansas City has the top passing defense and one of the most disruptive lines in the league.  Only because I've picked no other underdogs this week, I'll curse Buffalo again.

Cleveland Browns at Cincinnati Bengals (-6) - In reality, I fear this will be the turning point where we give up on the Browns this season. But on paper, this is a big game for two winners who will try to out-ground and out-pound each other to get a leg up in the AFC North. Maybe Cleveland still has some surprises up its sleeve after keeping so many games in check on defense this season and taking opportunities when they come on offense. But the Bengals have been tough to beat at home and hope to finally get A.J. Green back on the field against a Browns team that has been torched in the secondary from time to time.

Well Drink Games: They may surprise you from time to time without all the high expectations

Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers (-7.5) - Similar to the Niners above, the Bears cannot afford to lose this game if they have any chance of making it to January. That’s too bad because while the Packers are not a perfect team, they’re darn close to it at Lambeau Stadium and they’ve been great at generating turnovers this year, Jay Cutler’s kryptonite. At its best, this game could evolve into a wild shootout to the finish. At its worst (or at its least interesting if you’re a Packers fan), Green Bay will amass an insurmountable early lead and Chicago fans will turn their attention to the Blackhawks or Derrick Rose's glass ligaments until the next offseason.

St. Louis Rams at Arizona Cardinals (-7) - Talk about two lovable division spoilers for the darlings of the NFC West. These teams have gone 3 - 1 so far against the heavily favored 49ers and Seahawks this season, and they look like they've had fun doing it. I can't count the Rams out in any divisional battle - they've been at their best over the past three years haunting Jim Harbaugh's nightmares. But the Cardinals are on a mission to protect that #1 seed and rocking a very underrated homefield advantage on Sunday.

New York Giants at Seattle Seahawks (-9.5) - It's silly to even entertain this the way the Giants have played this year, but if they happened to win this game up in Seattle, wouldn't you automatically put a little money on them winning the Super Bowl?  As shaky as the Seahawks have looked in recent weeks though, the Giants are cafeteria jello until proven otherwise.

Carolina Panthers at Philadelphia Eagles (-6) - The Sanchize returns on Monday night!  Heaven help us. The upside for Chip Kelly is that if he can weather the storm with Mark Sanchez while Nick Foles is out, he could legitimately challenge Bruce Arians for those Coach of the Year accolades. It's hard to give the Eagles the edge with such an unpredictable character under center, but Philly's defense has played quality football this season and the Panthers just don't have any answers on offense with that reshuffled line.  Things could get messy.

House Punch Games: Most likely to be lop-sided, sloppy and/or otherwise painful to digest

Dallas Cowboys (-6.5) at Jacksonville Jaguars - Even if Brandon Weeden plays quarterback, punter and nose tackle, I might still take the Cowboys over the Jaguars.  Here's to hoping they start getting acclimated to London on the annual flight of sparse attendance sorrow.

Tennessee Titans at Baltimore Ravens (-9.5) - I asked Joe Flacco and he didn't have anything interesting to say about this game either.

Pittsburgh Steelers (-5) at New York Jets - ...So, Ben Roethlisberger has thrown 12 touchdowns in the past two games and you're only spotting the Steelers five points against one of the worst defenses in the league?  W and T and F.

Atlanta Falcons (-1) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Considering the way they Falcons fed the Buccaneers' innards back to them on a platter in the Georgia Dome just a few weeks ago, that is quite a loss of faith in the point spread, Vegas.  The only person I feel worse for than anyone who has to suffer watching this game is Mike Glennon.  He hasn't been a spectacular quarterback, but he's been far more poised and non-toxic to Tampa than Josh McCown who will reprise his pick-sixing role against the Falcons on Sunday.

Denver Broncos (-11.5) at Oakland Raiders - Another house punch game, another good reason to call your mother on Sunday.  The thing is, the Raiders probably aren't the worst team in the NFL this year, but they have almost no chance to pick up a mercy win with the schedule ahead.


So How's My Pickin'?
Last Week's Record: 10 - 3
Season Record: 84 - 49 - 1

Week 9 Recap and the Annual Coaching Hot Seat Roundup

Just as the contenders and pretenders usually come into focus, this season is getting blurrier by the day.  There are only two teams with a league-best seven wins (Cardinals and Patriots) and one team without a win (Raiders).  The AFC is rife with winners--more on that shortly--while nearly all of the NFC preseason favorites have floundered their way to mediocrity.  Let's dig in and also pour one out for that time of the year when visions of pink slips dance in our heads with the Annual Coaching Hot Seat Roundup.  But first, the good stuff:

Week 9: The Good Stuff

A Pass Rush Bonanza - If last week was characterized by Tecmo passing performances, this week brought us some aggressive play on the other side of the ball.  But okay, Ben Roethlisberger still looks scary too.  Anyway, at least four performances really stood out to me.  The Saints gave Cam Newton no mercy on Thursday night.  Despite two early turnovers on offense, the defense took advantage of the Panthers' reshuffled offensive line, sacking Newton four times and forcing a goal line fumble that proved to be the turning point for the game.  The Vikings have quietly collected the most sacks in the NFL this season with 30, and Mike Zimmer's physical squad came up huge in wearing down a returning but weary RG3 to eke out the win in Minnesota.  But the biggest haul of the week goes to the resurgent St. Louis Rams who absolutely brutalized the 49ers' offensive line on Sunday.  The Rams racked up seven sacks and recovered two fumbles from the reeling Colin Kaepernick including that mystifying game-clincher at the 1 yard-line.  Oh yes, the Rams may not make it to January, but they sure continue to be fun to watch.

Like Cardinals From the Ashes - Okay, nine weeks in I am officially on the Bruce Arians Coach of the Year bandwagon.  To review the Cardinals on paper, it's hard to put a finger on what has made them the most successful NFL team to date this season.  They've lost two thirds of the defensive starters that made them so great a year ago, Larry Fitzgerald remains the franchise's only real star, and they aren't blowing opponents out of the water in terms of point differential.  But this team is calmly resilient.  They don't get rattled, they rarely turn the ball over - yes, even with Carson Palmer - and they are ball hawks with that rag-tag secondary.  With San Francisco losing Sunday and Seattle still looking like a shell of its former championship self, Arizona looks to have the right stuff to finally retake the division.  Go Cards!

The AFC Storm A-Brewin' - I’ve spun a lot of cheap words over the years by making fun of the sad state of the AFC. After all, last year featured an 8 - 8 AFC wild card team while the very deserving 10 - 6 Cardinals of the NFC had to sit January out. If there’s any indication the tides are turning, consider this: 11 of 16 AFC teams have at least 5 wins and a winning record as a result right now. And only the Patriots have 7 wins to their name, meaning November could be a free-for-all with plenty more high-stakes games than anyone probably saw coming.  If that means playoff football is coming two months early, I'll take it, especially in the AFC North where all four teams are separated by a game or less.

Nailed It!  My Best Week 9 Prediction - It was a solid week of pickin' here on this Lady Blitz blog.  Kudos to me for not handing the AFC to the Broncos just yet.  That Brady guy is still pretty darn good too:

• Weird fact: this is just the third away game for the Broncos so far this season, which may mean nothing, but could also mean they get off to a slower start than usual.  Denver's the better team all around, but I just can't pick against the Pats at home right now.

Week 9: The Bad Stuff

Whatever's Wrong with the 49ers - Taking a page from the Falcons last week, the St. Louis Rams did their best to gift-wrap a 49ers win at the jeans factory on Sunday in the waning minutes.  They managed an incomplete pass when San Francisco was out of timeouts and committed three major penalties to put the 49ers in scoring range at the end of the fourth quarter.  But you know how this one ends.  The Niners had four chances to score from inside St. Louis's 5-yardline in the final minute of play and just couldn't do anything with it, a problem they've had far too often this season with a rudderless offense.  This is the kind of loss that will haunt diehard fans for a couple weeks and maybe more if the losses continue to pile up and Jim Harbaugh walks.  Not that I'm complaining unless he makes his way to Atlanta.  Yikes.

Whatever's Wrong with the Chargers - My how the Chargers fortunes have swung in the past three weeks.  The upcoming bye ought to do them some good, but San Diego went from dark horse darlings led by MVP hopeful Philip Rivers to a rapidly declining team with some very unlucky bounces to boot.  Rivers has looked especially Jekyll and Hyde since San Diego went on its three-game losing streak.  After starting the season 5 - 0 with a 126 passer rating and a staggering 14-to-1 TD to INT ratio, he's been anything but an MVP contender in the past three weeks, tossing 7 interceptions to 6 TDs.  With weapons like Antonio Gates, Keenan Allen and Malcolm Floyd, there's just no good rhyme or reason to why the Chargers suddenly are where they are.  My guess is No. 17 needs to spend a little more time bro-ing out with his bolo tie collection and stop playing the hero so much.

Shanked It! My Worst Week 9 Prediction - Speaking of, I'm starting to question my spidey senses with many of these AFC also-rans.  Are the Chargers really much worse than I thought or are the Dolphins really putting the pieces together at the right time?

• This could get wild and sloppy since I never quite know who will show up for these teams week to week, but San Diego has been the more consistent, well-rounded team to this point so I see them rallying after a tough loss in Denver.

Week 9 Feature: The Annual Coaching Hot Seat Roundup

It’s that time of the year again when we start to speculate on the futures of the coaches who've struggled most this year.  As I mentioned above, there are a lot of teams doing mediocre to wonderfully right now, so hopefully this will be a quieter pink slip season than some we've had in previous years.  But here are my projections and arbitrarily set odds for those who might not make it to next September.  Honorable mentions go to Marc Trestman for the Bears' sloppy offense and Lovie Smith for a really, really bad Buccaneers team that he might not get a hometown benefit of the doubt for come January.  Anyway, here we go:

Ron Rivera (Carolina Panthers) 1:7  - It's hard to recall now, but Rivera may have been just a loss or two away from getting the axe a year ago when the Panthers started out 1 - 3.  They ended up going on an unbelievable run to finish 12 - 4 and secure a first-round bye in the playoffs, but it's pretty much been downhill again since then.  Riverboat Ron reverted to his conservative play-calling self and the Panthers fizzled out of the gate in their first playoff appearance since 2009.  This year, Carolina's defense has taken a serious step back, and the offense has no answers with a patchwork offensive line, anemic running power, and a game plan that consists almost entirely of Cam Newton trying to scramble or get the ball to Kelvin Benjamin.  If Rivera has reason to be concerned about his job at this point, it'd be the lackluster success he's had every season but one with the Panthers and also how badly the defense that looked unbeatable a year ago has regressed.  But Carolina's front office may also acknowledge the awful salary cap/suspension/injury blows to the roster Rivera has to deal with and give him one more chance to get this franchise back to winning.  Plus, the Panthers have a pretty manageable schedule coming up with the Falcons, Vikings, Buccaneers and Browns that could help this team rally to 0.500 and a shot at an NFC South title.

Gus Bradley (Jacksonville Jaguars) 1:3 - I’m not sure what kind of excuse cushion Gus Bradley gets for taking on one of the worst coaching jobs in the pros. He inherited a profoundly awful QB tandem in Chad Henne and Blaine Gabbert, a washed-up Maurice Jones-Drew who apparently thought the Raiders would be a better career choice, and a dwindling fanbase that has been plied with free Wifi and swimming pools to be lured into the general vicinity of the Jaguars eight days a year. Make that seven days with the annual pity plane to London. But a year and a half later, things ain’t looking good. Despite the Jaguars making some splashy draft picks and hauling in some of Bradley’s Super Bowl vet friends from Seattle in the offseason, Jacksonville boasts the worst point differential in the league. Rookie QB Blake Bortles is pick-sixing away every inch of progress this defense has made, and this team would be more than a little lucky to get to 2 - 14 judging by the back half of the schedule. Let this be a cautionary tale for the next assistant coach who leaves a Lombardi-bound team a little too soon for that head coaching black hole on the Atlantic. Sometimes it’s just not worth it.

Mike Smith (Atlanta Falcons) 1:2  - By most accounts, nobody blames the Falcons for hanging onto Mike Smith after last season's stunning plunge to 4 - 12 after coming up a few yards short of a Super Bowl appearance in 2012.  Julio Jones went down with a season-ending injury early on and Atlanta lost other key contributors to injury and free agency, making it a de facto rebuilding year.  Plus, Smith had engineered the winningest stretch in Falcons history up to that point.  But after another miserable start this season that includes an active 5-game losing streak and one of the worst series of coaching decisions I've ever seen against the Lions in London, a lot more people are starting to wonder if all that success was in spite of Smith.  Like Ron Rivera, Smith has had to endure a slew of unfortunate injuries and free agency departures that are beyond his control, but Atlanta fans can only endure so many seasons of missed opportunities with a once-in-a-generation quarterback like Matt Ryan.  Especially when the Falcons have struggled to close out close games in the past couple of years that they used to win in their sleep.  My gut says it's time for a change despite management's lip service to Smith these days - I'm giving the gamblers out there generous one-to-two odds that he stays.

Ken Whisenhut (Tennessee Titans) 2:1 - It's only Ken Whisenhut's first year with the Titans, which is usually considered a measure of grace for a front office wanting to rebuild for the long-term.  Unfortunately for Whisenhut, most of his fellow "rookie" (or retread) colleagues are coaching circles around him in say, Cleveland, Detroit and Minnesota.  And he's already reverting back to his more confounding coaching tendencies that got him the boot in Arizona just two seasons ago - switching back and forth on a weekly basis between uninspiring quarterbacks not named Kurt Warner.  It's only a matter of time before Titans fans are graced with the presence of a hobbling Jake Locker again because Coach is tired of Zach Mettenberger after being unimpressed with Charlie Whitehurst who was supposed to make the leap after Locker got injured again.  And with just two wins to date, Tennessee is nowhere near where it was even last year with poor Mike Munchak calling the shots.  The Titans look as rudderless as ever with no real bright spots that make you feel like they'll be in better shape this time next year, and that's bad news for Whisenhut.

Rex Ryan (New York Jets) 10:1 - What has seemed inevitable for three seasons is surely at the point of no return after the Jets have started things out 1 - 7 this year.  Of all the downtrodden coaches in the NFL, I genuinely feel for Ryan more than most.  He's been given the shaft by the front office year after year and had to spin garbage into gold with Mark Sanchez, Tim Tebow, Geno Smith and an old, still terrible decision-maker in Michael Vick.  But this time around, Ryan's usually stout defense isn't getting the job done either and the Jets have no chance of making the playoffs at 1 - 7.  The only question left is, will this guy finally get that bizarre Sanchez jersey tattoo removed?  It'd be a solid investment with whatever severance pay he walks away with after five years of continuous flogging by the New York media.  Bless you, Rex.