***Blogger's Note: I published this puppy about an hour before the end of the Packers-Seahawks game last night. In all sincerity, I can't imagine anything but scenario #1 happening, but don't get your hopes up because it's going to be a looooooong process. In the meantime, how about a little satire?***
Week 3 Feature: How the Referee Lockout Could End in Four [Unlikely] Scenarios
There's no need--or way--to sugarcoat it, the replacement refs are looking just about as effective as Tim Tebow's arm these days. I've played out a few scenarios in my mind about how this thing ends, and well, it ain't too pretty. Here's how the referee strike could end four ways, betting lines included:
1) The Replacements Blow a Call So Monumental, It Clearly Throws the Outcome of the Game - 256: 1 - That's right, it could take all 256 games of this regular season, officiating consistency and integrity thrown completely out the window, before the Commish decides to loosen the purse strings for the good of the Playoffs Gods. Why? Because the number of games whose outcomes have already been clearly, directly impacted is nearing double-digits or maybe more than that if you believe in things like momentum and cause and effect having an impact on this thing we call football. Ginger Badger don't care. Will fans and the media keep hounding the NFL to scatter a few fractions of a percent more to the zebras to keep all that is good and holy about the game in tact? Absolutely. Will we stop watching any games in the meantime? Absolutely not. Advantage, Goodell.
2) The Replacements Let Dirty Play Descend Into Chaos, Resulting in an Unforgivable On-Field Injury - 1,000: 1
- Some would argue we've sadly already seen this scenario in action
too, most notably with the no-call helmet-too-helmet hit that sent
Oakland's Darrius Heyward-Bey to the hospital on a gurney this weekend.
Unlike some league overlords I know, I'm not going to make some sort of
accusatory speculation about how their management decisions have
trickled down into extraordinary player-to-player violence that would
magically not otherwise occur. That would be a stretch (wink wink,
nudge nudge). But here's the thing, Rodger Goodell is definitely not
about to make any kind of concession that he is contributing to
the very player safety issue he's in the legal crosshairs for already.
Especially not after his player bounty sanctions were overturned and a
layer of scapegoating was at least temporarily removed in a very
embarrassing way. It ain't gonna happen.
3) A Coach Finally Punches a Replacement in the Face, and the Crowd Goes Wild - 50:1
- It seems we're getting closer and closer each week to a total
meltdown on the sidelines to this abysmally inconsistent play calling. I
thought the vocal stylings of John Fox/Jack Del Rio last Monday night
were bad, but then we nearly saw Bill Belichick leave Baltimore in the
back of a squad car after Sunday night's Patriots loss on a nanometer of
field goal post. Most rational people on Tuesday through Saturday
would probably be able to sympathize with these poor replacement
officials who are doing their less-than-qualified best with no thanks
from the bullies on the sidelines. But when the game is on the line,
mark my words, someone in a striped shirt is eventually going to get
punched to atone for the sins of many. And the crowd is going to
freakin' love it. And then we'll have to deal with our loss of humanity
as a society and reinstate the real referees.
4) The Baltimore Cheer Catches On and TV Sponsorship Takes A Nose Dive - 10:1
- If there was one mischievous but enjoyable outgrowth of the
Patriots-Ravens game last night, it had to be that five-figure-strong
crowd chanting obscenities in unison
for several minutes to the consternation of TV censors everywhere. Now I
might be crazy, but I think that those Ravens fans are really on to
something here. If the NFL has made it clear that the top brass has
zero interest in putting aside its ruthless avarice for the love of the
game or the safety of its players, and we won't stop watching anyway,
and we don't want to see a poor economy class referee get a black eye
from a Belichick or a Harbaugh, we have got to start making this stuff
[temporarily] inappropriate for television. Let the sponsors sort out
our wholesome Sunday family pastime. If you're reading this and you'll
be anywhere near the vicinity of an NFL stadium this week, take a page
from George Carlin and shout those seven words with every ounce of
passion you have for this sport! For to save football in the referee
lockout era, first you must destroy it.
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