Also, I couldn't pull off a second post for my analysis and game pick, so look for that lagniappe at the bottom of this one.
Reasons to Love the Patriots
They Haven’t Burned Any Orphanages to the Ground - Fact: No NFL team to date has ever conspired to burn an orphanage to the ground in a senseless act of child murder and destruction. That includes the Patriots!They Haven’t Gotten Caught Managing an Elaborate Ponzi Scheme - I guess you can insert your own joke here about getting gouged on tickets and parking passes, but which NFL franchise can cast the first stone there? To my knowledge though, no one in the Patriots organization has gotten caught for carrying out massive financial fraud to rob unwitting investors of their retirement. If they are in fact funneling money from one account to another at consistently impossible return rates, they are doing a great job at hiding it. Keep it up, Patriots!
They’ve Gone Three Years Without a Cheating Scandal - Sure, lots of NFL teams have done shady things like pump in fake crowd noise and try to injure opponents for bonuses or regular old base pay, but the Patriots have gone three years without any cheating scandals to speak of. That’s significantly longer than an elephant’s gestation period or the tenure of a White House press secretary. The Patriots could pass the marshmallow test with flying colors if needed!
They Always Put on a Darn Good Super Bowl - Okay, okay, okay, I’ll stop being so sardonic for a minute before we move on to what you really came here for. If there is one thing we can all hope for Sunday, it’s a good game, and the Patriots tend to be at the center of the craziest, most entertaining Super Bowls we’ve watched over the past two decades. There was that very first win back in 2002 when we were actually rooting for a scrappy underdog to upset the Greatest Show on Turf with their rookie sixth-round backup setting up the game-winning field goal as time expired. And another game-winning drive by Brady two years later after the Panthers whiffed on the kick-off that should have sent the game to overtime. And then Donovan McNabb allegedly hurling the Eagles into defeat on a last-gasp drive the next year. And two fourth-quarter circus catches by David Tyree and Mario Manningham to hand the Patriots their only two Super Bowl losses under Bill Belichick. And that crazy goal-line interception by Malcolm Butler in the final seconds of SB XLIX. And of course that seemingly impossible 28 - 3 comeback last year that we’ll still be talking about a decade from now. So if the Patriots’ Super Bowl past is any indication of what we can expect this weekend, you might not like the outcome, but you’ll certainly enjoy the ride.
Reasons to Hate the Patriots
I Mean, C’Mon - I can’t believe I’m having to write this crap yet again for the third time in four years. To save a little time, here are all of the previous reasons I’ve given you to hate the Patriots that I can’t do a straight retread of today:- They’re Literal Supervillains
- They Always Seem to Luck Into the Easiest Opponents
- They’re Killjoys
- They Cheat
- They're Boring
- Tom Brady Is a Tool
- UPDATE: Tom Brady is immune to sunburn, so don’t make fun of him and his quacked out definitely-not-a-doctor personal trainer
They Are Absolutely Going to Crush America’s Hopes Again - Just this postseason alone, the Patriots will have the chance to destroy the hopes and dreams of a third franchise that has never won a Super Bowl in pursuit of its nauseating sixth title. They’ve also done that to the Eagles, Panthers and Falcons in Super Bowls past so that Bill Belichick can gaze upon his latest Lombardi as though it farted at the dinner table. After Eli Manning somehow beat this team twice in February, you might have felt a little sympathy for Brady and Belichick to win just one more and go out on top against those cocky Seahawks in 2015. And then the Patriots did it again two years later like a badge of honor after being embroiled in their dumbest cheating scandal yet while the long-suffering Falcons redefined what a fourth-quarter meltdown could be. And now, they’ll almost certainly do it again to an Eagles team trying to pull off the scrappiest of upsets with Nick Foles filling in for injured MVP hopeful Carson Wentz. You’ll talk yourself into thinking that Philadelphia has the kind of deep pass-rushing rotation to stop 40-year-old Brady and that Foles has all the confidence in the world to repeat the kind of masterful performance he had in the NFC Championship against the top-ranked Vikings defense. But you will be wrong, and the Patriots will mount another double-digit comeback so they can talk about all the alleged adversity they’ve faced on the confetti-covered podium because an ESPN writer was mean to them one time, and we’ll all go back to work on Monday hoping to God Brady finally blows out a hip due to malnutrition from his goofy lentil diet so we can all move on. Speaking of, I look forward to seeing you right back here with new old Patriots hate material this time next year!
Reasons to Love the Eagles
They Are Embracing Their Underdog Spirit Animal - The most obvious foil the Eagles play to the Patriots is that they have never won a Super Bowl despite getting agonizingly close a few times in the past 52 seasons, and they'll come in as Vegas underdogs for the third time in a row this weekend. All Philly did to get here was go 13-3 to earn the top seed in the NFC and totally obliterate the hot and heavily favored Vikings who were just one win from playing in the first-ever Super Bowl home game. You better believe they are using those Eyes Wide Shut get ups and +4 spread to keep the motivational fire roaring this week, and it could come into play in a big way on Sunday with most of the nation and [presumably] the crowd hoping they'll shock the world. Having lost key players to injury including MVP front-runner Carson Wentz, the cards are stacked against this young and battered team going up against a quarterback and coach who will be here for an unfathomable eighth time. But I'm not trying to be cliche when I say the Eagles absolutely believe they will finally win this one, and I am here for it. You probably are too.They've Got the Defensive Chops to Keep This Interesting - I'm not sure if this is something to be optimistic or deeply concerned about, but Tom Brady showed that he can still sputter against a good pass rush a couple weeks ago. The Jaguars notched three sacks and seven quarterback hits and held the Patriots offense to just 3 of 12 third-down conversions. They might have pulled off the upset too had it not been for that questionable pass interference call and a sad but inevitable 3rd-and-18 conversion. The point is, Jacksonville definitely kept New England in check with their excellent defensive front, and Philadelphia has those goods (and arguably a more reliable offense) to keep this game in reach too. Fletcher Cox is the long-time anchor to the Eagles' defense, but they've also got a deep rotation behind him that can cause mayhem well into the fourth quarter and a secondary that has tightened up significantly in recent weeks. With extended rest, this squad was an absolute nightmare against two top ten offenses in January. Their reign of terror against the Falcons and Vikings included four sacks and 19(!) QB hits, and they held both teams to less than half their average points scored per game this year. If that stale old adage that defense wins championships still holds true, Philly will certainly have the edge again on Sunday against a Patriots offense that is otherwise nearly impossible to stop.
Reasons to Hate the Eagles
Nick Foles Is Still QB Russian Roulette - There's no denying Nick Foles had his best game as a pro in the NFC Championship given the stakes and defensive opponent. Maybe we shouldn't have been totally surprised - he once had a 27 TD, 2 INT campaign with the Eagles that has given him new life as a backup for years after. But which Foles will show up in Minneapolis on Sunday? The guy who can efficiently sling the ball downfield to open up run-pass options and keep defenses on their toes or the guy who just a month ago was throwing wounded ducks for less than five years per attempt? You could make the argument that Foles just needed more time and reps to settle back into his full potential under Doug Pederson and his last game should now be par for the course. Still, you just can't underestimate Bill Belichick's evil defensive mastermind, and you better believe he now knows every wrinkle Pederson threw into Foles' arsenal to make him look competent again. The minute Foles gets one-dimensional with a scheme the Patriots are ready for, this game is over. Or the minute Foles turns back into a middling back-up like his career stats suggest rather than an occasionally brilliant gunslinger, Tom Brady will have an advantage he frankly doesn't need already.They Tend to Blow It - Well, if last week's total defensive collapse for the Vikings and blown 10-point lead by the Jaguars are any indication, it's just a matter of time before the last Lombardi-less underdog crumbles before our eyes on Sunday. The Eagles have a history of blowing big games that's almost as devastating as that of the Vikings, and there's no time like the present to let America down and become merely the doormat the Patriots will walk over to get their sixth ring. Who can forget the last time Philadelphia was a contender, going to four straight NFC championships but coming away with one Super Bowl appearance and precisely zero wins? Andy Reid's always-confounding clock management and Donovan McNabb's guts left the Eagles just short of the big scoring plays they needed in their biggest moments, and it seems more than a little likely that they'll end up in the same place again with their backup QB and second-year coach facing a literal dynasty. Besides inexperience, if there's one thing to be pretty concerned about with Philly, it's that the central reason they could win this game--their defense--looks a whole lot different on the road than they do at home. Having held their last two opponents to 10 and 7 points at the Linc, you might think the Eagles defense is primed for a big game against Tom Brady & co. But during this season, they've allowed less than 14 points per game at home but nearly 24 points per game on the road, and the fast indoor turf in Minneapolis won't help them slow down the Patriots' skill players. I want the Eagles to win just as much as you do, but there's a clear recipe for disaster here where Foles gets off to a slow start and Philly's defense gets worn out on long drives where they can't force sacks or punts.
Their Fans Are Actually Worse -You've already been closely acquainted with "Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful" Patriots fans over the years because their team just won't go away and be miserable or even average. But even with the Eagles' charming underdog mentality and Cinderella rise to the Super Bowl this season, their fans are still so, so very much worse. In fact, it's verifiable fact that Philadelphia harbors the worst fans in all of major sports. Their long list of priors includes the following: 1) immediately booing top draft pick Donovan McNabb who would only lead his team to eight winning seasons/playoffs, five NFC Championships and a Super Bowl; 2) cheering on Michael Irvin's career-ending injury; 3) setting up an actual jail and court in the Vet to handle the huge volume of game-day disorderly conduct; 4) (Phillies fan bonus!) intentionally vomiting on children because their parents complained about vulgar language; 5) booed Santa Clause; and just as recently as last week, 6) punching a police horse and pelting the Vikings team bus with eggs and bottles after they had already suffered an abysmal blowout loss. There won't be enough Crisco in the world to keep this army of miscreants from destroying their own city if they win tomorrow night, and you'll probably be complicit in cheering them on simply because they aren't the Patriots. Buckle up, Philly, and maybe drive your car off to a Walmart parking lot somewhere in New Jersey for the night just to be safe.
And the Game Pick!
In years past, I have done a separate post to analyze each team's strengths and weaknesses in terms of Xs and Os and issue my never-fail (except the last three times) game pick. Unfortunately, I've run out of time, which is probably a good sign I won't be returning to regular-season posts next year, but there are some really great analyses out there that are far more nuanced and interesting than I could have mustered like this one.So my pick is all about the power of the jinx for America's sake. Nearly every time I pick the Patriots to win in the playoffs, they lose and vise versa. So the Patriots are going to crush the Eagles and our souls so that we don't have to bother staying up late for the trophy ceremony. Very kind of them! Patriots 24, Eagles 20
They punched police horses on consecutive weeks!
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