February 11, 2016

The 10 Most Memorable Games of the 2015 NFL Season

And so, dear readers, it's time to wrap up the season on another round of the Lady Blitz blog.  I may return for a random post here and there in the offseason, but I'm welcoming a hiatus after eight grueling months of talking about this silly and often troubling sport.  NFL, I wish I could quit you.  Anyway, let's take a victory lap and bring on the withdrawal symptoms before we meet again in September with the 10 Most Memorable Games of the 2015 NFL Season!


10) Baltimore Ravens 33, Cleveland Browns 27 - Week 12
Here's the part where I give you the caveat that "most memorable" certainly does not have to mean good.  The Ravens and Browns were pretty much a lost cause from the start this year, so there wasn't exactly a lot of hype going into this meaningless Week 12 matchup featuring the backup quarterback "talents" of Matt Schaub and Josh McCown.  Schaub gifted the Browns his usual pick six and a second interception late in the fourth quarter that would set up the game-winning field goal as time expired.  Even if the kick had sailed, this game would have gone to overtime.  Instead, because Browns' gonna Browns, the kick was not only blocked but returned for the game-winning touchdown in the other end zone in one of the more brutal 9-point swings you will ever see.  The Kick Six heard 'round the world Cleveland brought lots of tragically loyal fans to their knees and reminded us--even though we didn't need reminding--that the Browns still have plenty of mortgage payments to come in the Factory of Sadness.

9) Pittsburgh Steelers 24, San Diego Chargers 20 - Week 5
How about a dramatic finish that actually ends well unless you're a Chargers fan? And if you are, maybe now you're okay with the gut-wrenching feeling owner Dean Spanos must have felt watching his team's season slip away.  Anyway, this Monday night AFC contest started out slow with just two scoring drives and a whole lotta punts in the first half, but things came to a boil later when Pittsburgh and San Diego combined for 27 points in the fourth quarter.  The Chargers gave up a pick six and a one-play 72-yard touchdown from Michael Vick to Markus Wheaton but managed to pull ahead of the Steelers by a field goal with three minutes to go.  Pittsburgh marched down the field and set up at the 1-yardline with five seconds on the clock.  But where 95% of NFL coaches would have kicked a field goal to go to overtime, Mike Tomlin dialed up a gutsy game-winning touchdown run for Le'Veon Bell.  The odds would tell you this was absolutely the right call because it's much easier to punch the ball in from a yard out than take your chances in overtime, and it was suspenseful but satisfying to see it work out for a coach who's not afraid to take risks.  Per another game below, Mike McCarthy should take note.

8) Washington Redskinks 31, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 30 - Week 7
As is true every year, there isn't a weirder division in the NFL than the NFC East, and this season was no exception.  Given that no team has won consecutive division titles since 2004, it made perfect sense that last year's first place finisher, the Cowboys, would swap places with the worst-to-first Redskinks.  But they were a turbulent 2 - 4 team with an unreliable interception machine called Kirk Cousins going into this bout with the Buccaneers.  Trailing 7 - 24 at halftime, Washington looked dead in the water to a young Tampa team that they should not have been losing to.  Then that old Kirk magic came to life, lifting the Redskinks to their largest comeback win in franchise history with three touchdown passes as well as one on the ground.  The game served as the pat narrative turning point for Cousins' future as a viable starting quarterback who'll be getting paid this offseason instead of a journeyman backup still hoping to prove himself on the Browns or whatever.  Did we like that?  Yes, we liked that.

7) Carolina Panthers 27, Seattle Seahawks 24 - Week 6
Even though the Seahawks came back to make a respectable if futile showing in these teams' divisional round rematch, the first of this season's Panthers-Seahawks brawls was certainly the more spectacular one to watch.  Although Carolina came into Seattle 4 - 0, many expected the Seahawks to get the better of this rivalry yet again on their home field.  Seattle indeed found itself in pole position, leading by nine points with less than five minutes remaining.  But then Cam Newton conjured that MVP mojo (with lots of help from Greg Olsen) and marched his offense up the field for a quick touchdown to get within three.  After a clutch stop from the Panthers' defense on the ensuing drive, Newton had his chance to tie or go ahead with two minutes on the clock.  Despite getting sacked, he only needed 90 seconds to find Olsen wide open near the end zone on busted coverage to give Carolina the final lead and stun the crowd at CenturyLink.  This game was memorable for its electrifying end, but it also signaled a changing of the guard at the top of the NFC where Newton would will his way to MVP status and the Panthers would become a resilient team that could blow plenty of bad teams out of the water but also contend with the top conference brass too.

6) New Orleans Saints 52, New York Giants 49 - Week 8
And now for something completely different on the other end of the quality spectrum in the NFC.  There wasn't much for the Saints or Giants to write home about this season, especially on defense where they gave up more points and yards than any other team in the league.  Turns out, that makes for an incredibly exciting 60 minutes when these two offenses are in the zone.  They combined for 13 touchdowns (the most ever in a game), 63 first downs (the second most ever), and 101 points (the third most ever) in what was essentially a tennis match instead of a football game.  Drew Brees carried the day slightly more than Eli Manning (aka Drew Brees got the ball last) with 7 TDs and 511 yards of passing that proved he's still got it in the winter of his career.  But funny enough, after an adrenaline-fueled shootout that had these teams tied at 49 with 30 seconds to go, it was a New Orleans defensive stop and field goal that finally put the Saints ahead for good.  Then we all went out and doubled up on our blood pressure meds and did some mindful breathing exercises in an unlit room.

5) Pittsburgh Steelers 18, Cincinnati Bengals 16 - AFC Wild Card Round
I was debating where to put this game in these arbitrary rankings since it was ugly in all the wrong ways, but it's certainly a game we'll be talking about for years to come and for that, it is highly memorable. The Steelers-Bengals Wild Card matchup was bound to be a physical slog in the driving rain, and Pittsburgh made the most of it by working their way to a 15-0 lead to start the fourth quarter. But shots were exchanged between two hated rivals on and off the field that were brewing toward something bigger. First, Steelers assistant coach Mike Munchak grabbed Reggie Nelson's hair after he took a tackle out of bounds. Then, Vontaze Burfict tackled Ben Roethlisberger hard on his shoulder and kneed it for good measure. The Cincy crowd threw debris at the opposing quarterback as he was carted off the field. With the Steelers' offense hobbled, the Bengals managed to rally in the fourth quarter with 16 unanswered points and a chance to run out the clock in field goal range with 90 seconds left. Instead, Jeremy Hill had the worst-timed fumble yet of his career. Roethlisberger returned to the game but was clearly not himself with errant, low-velocity passes. Pittsburgh managed to get to the Bengals' 45-yardline with no timeouts left for one last play. The desperation pass fell incomplete, but Burfict laid a brutal unnecessary hit on Antonio Brown, and in the fray that followed, Adam Jones picked up another personal foul for unsportsmanlike conduct. That instant gave the Steelers 30 yards of field position to kick the chip shot that sent them to the divisional round and the Bengals to an especially agonizing place of offseason purgatory. In a word, it was gruesome.

4) Green Bay Packers 27, Detroit Lions 23 - Week 13
This was by no means a thrilling game for the first 59 minutes, but sometimes a single play is more than enough to make the whole thing jaw-dropping.  Having lost four of their previous five games, the Packers looked like they were going to add another disappointing loss to the record against the lowly Lions, dropping to 0 - 20 in the third quarter.  They rallied to come within four points of Detroit but found themselves at their own 20-yardline with just 20 seconds to work with.  The Packers made it to their 40 for a final play of laterals that the Lions sniffed out quickly, sacking Rodgers to end the game.  Not so fast.  Detroit was called for a facemask by the thinnest of margins that gave Green Bay 15 yards and one untimed down.  Rodgers scrambled deep into his own territory and rolled to the right for a shot at one 60-yard Hail Mary pass to Richard Rodgers... and it worked.  Anyone watching immediately felt that the Miracle in Motown they saw was a once-in-a-lifetime play.  As we'll see shortly, they were wrong.

3) Denver Broncos 30, New England Patriots 24 (OT) - Week 12
2) Denver Broncos 20, New England Patriots 18 - AFC Championship
No, Pats fans, I'm not trying to torture you by bringing your seasonal nightmares back to life.  Look on the bright side, you have four rings!  Anyway, even with Peyton Manning sidelined in one of these games and barely a shell of himself in the other, these two Broncos-Patriots battles lived up to everything you could have wanted in this longstanding quarterback rivalry in terms of competitive, thrilling football.  These teams' first meeting happened on a snowy Mile High field where the formidable 11 - 0 Patriots faced off with the Brock Osweiler-led Broncos.  Denver rallied from two 14-point deficits, getting to Tom Brady three times and racking up nearly 180 rushing yards to wear New England's defense down and eventually nabbed the win in overtime.  It was impressive, but most thought the Patriots would have the upper hand when these teams met again in the AFC Championship since they were missing their three top receivers in the previous meeting.  As it turns out, the bigger hole in the roster from Week 12 was DeMarcus Ware, who returned from back injury for the playoffs and played jelly to Von Miller's peanut butter in the Broncos' pass rush.  Miller and Ware were relentless in dismantling the Patriots' tackles and forcing Brady to get rid of the ball immediately when he wasn't being driven into the turf.  20 knockdowns, four sacks and two interceptions later, Denver's defense proved that they didn't need a functional offense to win games - they were just that good and carried that vortex of destruction into a huge Super Bowl upset two weeks later.

1) Arizona Cardinals 26, Green Bay Packers 20 (OT) - NFC Divisional Round
Just when we thought Aaron Rodgers couldn't dazzle us any better than he did against the Lions in Week 12, he did something even more impressive against a hot Arizona Cardinals team in the NFC divisional round.  After the Packers had been trounced by the Cardinals in Glendale just weeks earlier, they made a better but seemingly futile showing in January.  Green Bay was down by seven late.  Making matters worse, Dwight Freeney sacked Rodgers for a near safety, and the Packers found themselves facing a 4th-and-20 with a minute left on their own 4-yardline.  Having lost his top two targets in Davante Adams and Randall Cobb, Rodgers had no choice but to heave the ball 60 yards downfield to third-stringer Jeff Janis for a season-extending first down.  All of America collectively muttered, "No way." And then, with five seconds left, the two connected again on a 40-yard Hail Mary touchdown that sent these teams to overtime.  Unfortunately for Green Bay, their playoff defense let them down yet again as Carson Palmer found a wide-open Larry Fitzgerald for a 75-yard catch and run on the first OT play from scrimmage that set up the Cardinals' game-winning touchdown.  It was an incredible two minutes of football that gave Arizona its first NFC Championship appearance since 2009 while also raising new questions about overtime rules and coin flips.  I don't agree with changing either of those things, but Aaron Rodgers' incredible sequence to give the Packers a chance in extra time was just that good that everyone outside of Arizona wanted more.  What a delightfully gonzo finish to a game!

February 9, 2016

The One Where Defense Wins Championships: Super Bowl 50 Recap

And so another chapter closes on the NFL in a way that almost no one saw coming and yet we probably all should have.  It turns out, Denver's defense was just that good.  Let's get to some fake awards and wrap up this season the way Demarcus Ware wrapped Cam Newton up over and over again in Santa Clara.

The Moral Victory Slow Clap Award: Carolina's Defense
As dismal as things were for the Panthers on Sunday night, one side of the ball had a nearly flawless performance.  Carolina's defense was absolutely superb, holding the Broncos to less than 200 yards of total offense, one--one!--third down conversion and Peyton Manning to an abysmal 9.9 QB rating.  Those three stats are the worst a winning team's offense has ever "achieved" in the Super Bowl, and while this unit will understandably be eclipsed by Denver's even-more-spectacular performance, they did everything they could to give their team a chance to win.  That's why they get first dibs on this here Lady Blitz post.  Had the Panthers been able to pull off the W on Sunday, the MVP would have assuredly gone to Kony Ealy.  He was just as good as eventual MVP Von Miller with two strip sacks on one drive and a one-handed interception for the highlight reel.  The whole 14-point difference in this game came down to two Broncos fumble recoveries deep in Carolina territory, only one of which the Panthers defense even had a chance to stop.  As ugly as some would call this game, it was tragic from the start that only one of these two defenses could walk away victorious.  With Ron Rivera at the helm and a young set of draft classes that just can't miss, Carolina's defense will be good enough to contend for a long time.  There's just some cosmic injustice right now that Denver's offense has rings and these guys don't.

The Beautiful Vortex of Destruction Award: DeMarcus Ware & Von Miller
When I was nerding out reading billions of Super Bowl recaps on Monday, probably one of my favorite things came from Jeremy Stahl.  He made the point that low-scoring games get written off as sloppy and boring because we define success in terms of the offense moving the ball downfield and scoring, preferably profusely.  That obviously didn't happen this week, but if you were only looking for electrifying quarterbacking, you really missed out on a once-in-a-lifetime tandem performance from DeMarcus Ware and Von Miller.  The big line stats were all there - Ware and Miller combined for 4.5 sacks and 6 knockdowns on Cam Newton as well as two forced fumbled that sealed Miller's MVP honors and set up the Broncos' only two touchdowns.  But in subtle and then obvious ways, this dynamic duo altered what the Panthers could do on just about every offensive snap, even when it didn't show up on the stat sheet.  They completely collapsed the pocket and forced the elusive Newton to throw, often to the sideline and off target.  They made Carolina tackles Michael Oher and Mike Remmers household names for all the wrong reasons.  Switching up their alignment and blitz packages as part of Wade Phillips' diabolical plan, they had the league MVP seeing ghosts from all sides by the third quarter and held the NFL's top-scoring offense to just 10 points and 3 of 15 third-down conversions.  Was it ugly?  For the Panthers, absolutely.  But for Denver, pulling off perhaps the biggest upset since the Giants stunned the 18 - 0 Patriots in 2008, this was the Sistine Chapel of what a truly special pass rush can do.





The What Will the Aliens Think of Us Someday? Award: All Those Bowel Meds Commercials

There are times when I have a surreal feeling that if I was watching most pop culture in the U.S. unfold in another country/language, it would seem about ten times as absurd.  That's probably how Germany and Nigeria are thinking about us if they happened to catch the not one but two Super Bowl ads concerning miserly or generous bowels and the pharmaceuticals that love them.  The Weinstein-quality black and white number for constipation had all the class in the world, but it just couldn't compete with a CGI-ed sack of intestines going to the big game without its host body.  What a terrifying experience that must have been for his fellow spectators, not knowing if or when his irritable bowel syndrome would come back at an inopportune time! To be fair though, there weren't any real standout commercials to me in the "Super Bowl of Advertising" on Sunday other than maybe those little dachshunds in hot dog costumes because, c'mon, so maybe this truly was the Year of the Bowel Movement. 

The Lady Blitz Philosophical Nugget Award: What Do We Actually Expect Out of Sports Press Conferences?
In these past 36 hours, I think the hot take train has gone full circle from Cam Newton being a petulant sulk monster to a lightning rod for racist morons to a guy getting ridiculed by his opponents behind a curtain to maybe just a football player who had an awful game on the most public stage and is trying to deal with that in the 12 minutes or so after it happened.  It's all a circus, no doubt manufactured by the sports media brain trust to get us to bite on the click bait.  Newton didn't have a great press conference by any measure, but the sheer volume and flavor of the criticism toward this guy makes me ponder, What Do We Actually Expect Out of Sports Press Conferences?  Without Googling, can you remember any poignant moments from the losing team's conference after the last five Super Bowls?  The reason for that is, we expect them all to comply with a forgettable boiler plate script of "Give all the credit to the other team, they outplayed us" and "We'll be back - this is only motivation for us to get stronger."  To have a successful conference is to act out the play we all know by heart, not to say what you're actually feeling or thinking.  And if that's the case, why have them with the losing team immediately after the game?  You're either going to get a guy going through the motions so he can get the heck out of Dodge or a guy who's so despondent he can't follow the script we wanted to hear so we could forget it.  From my vantage point, at least some part of Newton's shut down might have had to do with the fact that he got zero help from the rest of his offense and didn't want to put them on blast - his tackles got destroyed and gave him no time to throw, Jonathan Stewart couldn't get anything going on the ground after what looked like a bad leg injury, Ted Ginn dropped six passes.  Sometimes it's better to say nothing at all.  And for those of you wringing hands about his lack of leadership and maturity, how did you feel about Peyton Manning when he left Super Bowl XLIV without shaking any of the Saints players' hands?  I thought not.


The Interception of the Night Award: Beyoncé
In a game featuring a big nasty six turnovers, the interception of the game had to be when BeyoncĂ© ripped the spotlight away from Coldplay and spiked it in the end zone like a boss at halftime.  She's already in Formation, and the revolution has started.

February 4, 2016

Playoff Predictions: Super Bowl 50

You’ve probably had your fill of “analysis” from me and others leading up to the big dance about both of these teams in all phases of the game to this point. So without further adieu, I give you five critical questions going into Super Bowl Sunday and my prediction if you haven’t already skipped all of this and scrolled down to the bottom of a page.  And for more Super Bowl fun, be sure to check out:

Q1: Can Cam Newton Be Stopped?

Without a doubt, the marquee matchup of this game is Cam Newton's magical offense vs. Denver's shut-down defense.  We'll get to the other side of the ball in a minute, but the Broncos' chances are riding about 90% on stifling this MVP and winning those turnover and field position battles.  The problem is, there really isn't a blueprint for how you do that to 2015 Cam Newton.  He can run amok, he can shoot lasers from the pocket, and he's not afraid of the blitz - he won't just dump the ball off these days, he'll throw a bomb if it's there.  As best I can tell, the Broncos should try more of the same from the AFC Championship - rushing four to five linemen at most and making the pocket as claustrophobic as possible.  The more often they can contain Newton and force him to throw, the less they have to focus on where their linebackers have to cover on a given play.  And while Cam is peaking in efficiency these days, he's still prone to the occasional bad pick and loses accuracy the more often he has to throw.  Throughout the playoffs, Denver has demonstrated they can play one-on-one in the secondary when they get pressure up front, but the one place they might consider extra help is against tight end Greg Olsen.  He's Newton's security blanket in picking up mid-range yardage and converting third downs, and if the Broncos defense wants to get off the field and give their offense a shot, Olsen is a top priority in passing situations.  If there's any pass rush in the league that can stop the Panthers offense, it's this one, but they'll need to dictate where Newton throws the ball when he does to give Old Man Peyton a chance.

Q2: Does the Broncos Offense Have Any Advantages?

In a word, no.  If Carolina had an Achilles Heel in the run game or if 2013 Peyton Manning had a wormhole in the space-time continuum that led to Santa Clara in 2016, this might be a different story, but it'll be an uphill battle for Denver's offense to stay on the field and put up points.  For my money, I would love to see Manning give it his all in that vintage no-huddle offense to try to get the Panthers on their heels.  Carolina will want to blitz often and load the box to thwart the Broncos' ground game, but if Denver can limit substitutions and wear that defense down with a series of short darts, they can open things up a little bit at the line of scrimmage.  Thinking back to how Julio Jones trounced Josh Norman in the Panthers' one loss this season, the Broncos offense needs legendary games from the likes of Demaryius Thomas and Emmanual Sanders.  Manning just doesn't have the arm strength anymore to throw his receivers open, so it's on those guys to use their size and speed to break aggressively towards the ball and force themselves open.  It's certainly risky to loft the ball on a 39-year-old arm with Luke Kuechly prowling in midfield, but the Broncos just can't expect to get 4 - 5 yards on every rushing attempt without some balance in this one.  And #yolo so let Manning roll the dice a few times when the throw is there.

Q3: Who Will Be the Deserving But Overlooked Defensive MVP?

Although these two teams are the cream of the crop when it comes to punishing defense, you gotta expect that the regular-season MVP or the retiring Hall of Famer will probably get the Super Bowl MVP when the dust settles here.  I might be too cynical about this, but did you ever look at Manning's stat line the last time he won a Super Bowl MVP?  No lie, his QB rating in that game was equivalent to Blaine Gabbert's QBR this season, but he still managed to eclipse the Colts' defensive efforts in that one.  But in a just world where the other 20 positions matter, here's my short list of defensive studs that could be da real MVP.  For Carolina, let's start with Luke Kuechly, the guy who's had two pick sixes in two games despite starting at middle linebacker.  He'll have plenty of chances to blow things up on Sunday given Denver's penchant to run up the gut and throw the ball between the hash marks.  Then there's the Josh Norman conundrum - he's a shut down corner, so there's zero chance Manning will be throwing in his direction on Sunday. Norman will probably just as unnoticed as he is effective.  If there's another guy to keep an eye on for Carolina in this space, I think it's Star Lotulelei.  He's the Panthers' premier run stuffer, and keeping Ronnie Hillman and C.J. Anderson behind the line of scrimmage will suck the lifeblood out of Denver's offense.  For the Broncos, Von Miller's got my #1 vote.  He'll be going up against the redeemed but still average Michael Oher at left tackle.  And well, if you want to see what kind of pink mist he can turn tackles into, see Exhibit A with Sebastian Vollmer and Marcus Cannon two weeks ago.

Q4: What About the Intangibles?

Indeed, what’s in that grab bag of hot streaks, quality wins vs. ugly losses and any kind of human interest stories that I can use to be an armchair psychologist here?  If there's one thing that could really go the Broncos' way other than some well-timed turnovers, it's their emotional motivation.  This whole team will be rallying around Peyton Manning in hopes of helping him hang up his cleats on a high note.  And as six-point underdogs, Denver will be channeling a whole lot of "no one believes in us" so they can remind us again of what this defense has already done to the Packers, Patriots and Steelers this year. Because they have fewer ways to win than the Panthers, they'll be playing this one with the full weight of the high-stakes game it is.  On Carolina's end, they've got max levels of momentum going into Sunday.  Having beaten the alleged two best teams in the NFC by a combined 41 points after a blistering 15 - 1 season, they've got all kinds of confidence and mojo working in their favor.  And having won a Heisman, BCS Championship, [presumptive] NFL MVP award and making his first Super Bowl appearance at the ripe old age of 26, Cam Newton is a bad, bad man.  There's a chance the Panthers' youth and relative inexperience in big games could lead to a slow start or some bone-headed mistakes, but like the Broncos, they'll be rallying around their trusty veteran Thomas Davis for inspiration.  On a totally different note, I wonder what John Fox will be feeling when he watches his two former teams go head-to-head this weekend without him.  The Bears might just fire him immediately if they catch wind of this post-Fox Super Bowl bump.  Anyway, this was a fun stream of consciousness for me.

Q5: What’s Your Dumb Prediction Already?

I'm hoping for an entertaining, smashmouth kind of game between the tortoise and the hare.  But while the lore would say that slow and steady can get it done, Carolina has so much balance and punch on both sides of the ball, it may not be much of a contest.  Panthers 24, Broncos 16    MVP: Cam Newton



So How's My Postseason Pickin'?
So Far: 7 - 3
Against the Spread: 5 - 5

February 3, 2016

Friends Don't Let Friends Listen to Coldplay: A SB50 Alternate Playlist

And now for something completely different on this here sports blog.  (But you can check out yesterday's cheering guide for the Broncos and Panthers too if you want)  I usually don't pay much heed to the Super Bowl halftime show one way or the other.  Sometimes you get an all-time classic like BeyoncĂ© or Prince, sometimes you get a pleasant surprise like Bruno Mars, and then most of the time, you get a forgettable clunker like The way-past-their-prime Who or the flat and soullessly overproduced Black Eyed Peas.  I'd still take either one of those over Coldplay, the music industry's spiritual equivalent of watching beige paint dry.  I mean, it's the 50th milestone of the Super Bowl.  How many other artists could have possibly turned this gig down for Coldplay to even be an option?  Maybe they were the most desperate bidder in the NFL's arrogant move to make performers pay to play this thing.

Anyway, because you are my friend, I made you a Don't Listen to Coldplay playlist that should last the duration of halftime.  Enjoy!

1) Beyoncé - Get Me Bodied
Yes, I'm aware that Ms. Fierce will actually be on hand to try to prop up Coldplay's unsalted porridge of a halftime show.  Let this song serve as a reminder that she could have done this a grizzillion times better solo.

2) Beck - Nicotine & Gravy
Fact: it is illegal to have a party without "Nicotine & Gravy" on your playlist.  It is perfectly okay to have a party without nicotine or gravy though.  You'll probably live longer.

3) David Bowie - Queen B*tch
I actually wanted to put Bowie's killer cover of "I'm Waiting for the Man" here, but Spotify did not play nice. This ain't a bad runner up though.  Rest in power, David Bowie.

4) Janelle Monáe - Tightrope
Janelle Monáe would be a 100% stellar choice for a future Super Bowl halftime show.  And for any of you headphone music nerds, her eclectic studio band is as spectacular as her voice.


5) LCD Soundsystem - Drunk Girls
Were the Super Bowl halftime an hour long [heaven forbid], I would have cradled your eardrums in the blessed slow burn of "Dance Yrself Clean," but this one might be more apropros of your fellow SB50 party patrons anyhow.

6) Spirit - I Got a Line on You
Objectively speaking, Fargo is the best TV series you're probably not watching right now.  This one is from Season 2's GOAT soundtrack set in the late 70s.  Also on the too-long runner up list, check out Blitzen Trapper's cover of "Man of Constant Sorrow" sometime.  You won't regret it.

7) Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings - Better Things
Sharon Jones has better things to do than listen to Coldplay.  Life moves fast, as Ferris Bueller would say.

8) A Tribe Called Quest - Check the Rhime
Best. Hook. Evah.


February 2, 2016

Who Should I Cheer For in the Super Bowl? Reasons to Love and Hate the Broncos and Panthers

We’re less than a week away from Super Bowl 50 and a potentially excellent defensive showdown.  Broncos and Panthers fans have plenty to be hopeful about, but for that other 94%-ish of fans who’ve watched their own teams go down in somewhere between predictable and agonizing fashion this year, you’re probably still on the fence about who to adopt until September finally rolls around again. Fear not, dear reader! Here’s the fair and balanced Lady Blitz guide for you to weigh your options with Reasons to Love and Hate the Broncos and Panthers:

Reasons to Love the Broncos


Orange Crush 2.0 - If you didn't already know how incredible the Broncos' defense has been this season, the way they dismantled Tom Brady and the Patriots in the AFC Championship should leave no doubt that they are special.  That day, they were the mama grizzly to Brady's revenant, mauling him for an NFL season-high 20 knock downs and generating four sacks and two turnovers in the process.  Although it was among Denver's best performances this season, this was also par for the course for a unit that has more than carried its weight all year long to get here.  This season, the Broncos led the league in points and yards allowed, sacks, and yards allowed per rush and pass.  They've terrorized many an offensively talented team and have a bevy of Pro Bowlers like Von Miller, DeMarcus Ware and Aqib Talib leading the way.  It's nice to see Ware in particular have a shot at a ring after being mired in the no-man's-land of Jerryworld for so long.  As good as the conference championship was for these guys, they'll probably need something even better to stop the Panthers next Sunday.  Nevertheless, they've given us plenty of reasons to believe that defense wins championships this season, and they'll be pinning their ears back with everything they've got in this game.

The Sheriff's Ride Into the Sunset - I think this is the fourth straight year I've failed to predict Peyton Manning's demise as he adds another candle to the birthday cake.  Based on Manning's own recent comments and a pending banned substance investigation, it seems the end is actually nigh for the five-time MVP now preparing for his fourth Super Bowl appearance.  No. 18's struggles to rebound from recent injuries and play to his old form are well-documented at this point, and that elusive second ring has to be his primary if not sole motivation for persisting through miserable pain at half speed.  He's got an uphill battle against the punishing Panthers defense to say the least, but there's a sizeable portion of the population out there that wants to see Manning get a storybook ending to a legendary career.  From Air Bud to Hoosiers, we've been conditioned to root for the "Aw Shucks" underdog who overcomes impossible odds and walks away a champion, and Manning fits that bill in the twilight of his career.  And even if you're just not into this guy or the Broncos this weekend, at least take solace in the possibility that he could replace the godawful Phil Simms in future CBS broadcasts.

A+ Adaptation - With Denver's rise as a defensive powerhouse and Peyton Manning's decline over the past year, it's worth noting how remarkable and swift this team's transformation has been in a change-averse league.  By now, you probably know the key plot points of this one.  After the Broncos were objectively embarrassed by the Seahawks two Super Bowls ago, GM/Resident Horse Face John Elway immediately set out to overhaul his roster in service of the ground-and-pound philosophy we know today.  First, Denver nabbed marquee playmakers DeMarcus Ware, Aqib Talib and T.J. Ward to shore up their biggest holes on defense.  Today, only three defensive starters from SB XLVIII will suit up on Sunday, underscoring the drastic improvements in talent this team has made since then - of course, health is a factor too since Von Miller was sidelined with an ACL tear last time around. Then, Elway made the bold decision to move on from coach John Fox in 2015, despite Fox's winning four straight division titles and a conference championship. He replaced Fox with coaching castaways Gary Kubiak and Wade Phillips (I will admit I thought this was nuts) who molded this team through a more consistent zone blocking run game and an aggressive defensive front.  And the rest is history - here now is a team making its second Super Bowl appearance in three years despite a dramatic transformation that seemed so counterintuitive when the Broncos had a historically great, Manning-centric approach.  Good on Elway for seeing the road ahead when a lot of us didn't.

Reasons to Hate the Broncos


HGH, You Taste So Good - So Peyton Manning’s allegedly/probably juicing. And if we were going to create eight months of controversy over Tom Brady’s squishy footballs only for him to keep playing the same as he always has, it seems only fair to poke a stick at this guy for cheating Father Time… allegedly.  I'll go ahead and say I'm stunned that this hasn't become a controversy with anywhere close to the amount of hand-wringing afforded to Ballghazi. On the one hand, who could blame a guy for wanting to improve his quality of life after enduring multiple neck surgeries and then returning to the ultimate contact sport?  On the other hand, this looks pretty shady, and it could ultimately call into question the legitimacy of some of Manning's best seasons as a pro including his record-breaking 55 touchdown, 5,477 yard MVP campaign in 2013.  The NFL has said it will investigate the matter thoroughly, but even if they find him culpable, Manning will likely have retired and avoided any serious consequences.  There's no way the league would keep this golden boy out of the Hall of Fame, and it benefits all parties to sweep it under the rug regardless of what the investigation proves or disproves.

Worse Bandwagon Fans - Hey look - a Lady Blitz retread from the last time the Broncos were in the Super Bowl!  Since the Panthers have the blessing of Steph Curry and an embarrassment of young talent and good coaching that could keep them in the conversation for years to come, I don't think they're too far off from becoming worse bandwagon fans than the Broncos.  BUT until the day Peyton is officially done, there will be a legion of part-time fans who probably still think he's the only reason Denver made it here in the first place.  They come out of the cracks in the sidewalk in their Tennessee/Broncos orange once every ten Nationwide commercials or so.  And then there's another much more insufferable segment of the population who will be cheering for the Broncos solely because they have an unhealthy hatred of Cam Newton.  There's this Titans fan whose level of moral outrage over Newton's dancing would suggest he was snorting cocaine off of a Bible on the sidelines.  And this Seahawks fan who was so scandalized by Newton taking down a 12th Man flag on the Panthers' home field that you'd think he would burn every children's hospital to the ground and detonate a cancer bomb if he could.  She got some grade-A co-babying from her fellow "12s" who started a freaking White House petition to ban Newton from CenturyLink Field because of that dang flag.  We'll get to the good and bad of Cam in a little while, but this unbridled soccer mom disgust over a guy enjoying the best year of his career is in its own stratosphere of ridiculousness.  If they were my mom, I'd make them drop me off two blocks away from the mall, just sayin'.  Anyway, I'm going to guess they're cheering for Denver this Sunday.

They’ve Been Here a Lot... It Usually Doesn't Work Out - And finally, for those who believe we should learn from history, you should know that the Broncos are usually pretty bad at Super Bowling. Although Denver's improbable win over the Packers in 1998 should serve as valuable inspiration for this team, they should mostly look away from the rest of this franchise's trips to the big dance.  The Broncos have lost five of their seven Super Bowls by the following point margins: 17, 19, 32, 45, 35.  That's really bad.  You know it's bad - we all watched SB XLVIII get decided by the Seahawks in less than a quarter just two years ago. You would have to go back to the 2002 Raiders to find another team that has lost the big one by at least 17 points.  If there's reason to hope this Broncos team can keep this one entertaining, it'll be because that defense comes through big time the way it did in John Elway's late career for Denver's only two Super Bowl wins.  But they're already six-point underdogs and helmed by a quarterback who cannot feel his fingers anymore or put much velocity on the ball - not a recipe for success against the ball-hawking Panthers.  This could get real ugly real fast if history repeats itself.

Reasons to Love the Panthers


Cam Newton Is Doing a Whole Lot More with Less
- Carolina came into 2015 off of an embarrassing but somehow successful 7-8-1 playoff campaign and without any apparent upgrades to the roster in free agency. Dummies like me thought they’d be 6 - 10 at best. Six months later, I can’t think of another team that has defied expectations as much as this one in recent memory, and much is owed to soon-to-be-MVP Cam Newton. From his BCS-winning Heisman days, Newton has always had the chops to win big, but his pro career before this year was an up-and-down mix of electrifying plays and ugly back-footed throws to the other team when he wasn't getting knocked around in the open field. Newton started this season without long-time franchise stars Steve Smith and DeAngelo Williams and lost his top wideout from a year ago, Kelvin Benjamin, in training camp. Moreover, the Panthers picked up left tackle Michael Oher after he was bad enough to be released by the 2 - 14 Titans. All of these moves suggested the mercurial quarterback was going to be more on his own than ever, but instead, he transformed a team of backups and aging has-beens into the top-scoring offense in the league. Newton has become just as well-rounded in the pocket as he's always been on the move, and between his speed on the ground and his big arm, he's put many a good defense to shame by making every part of the field his playground. It's been just as fun to watch as it's been remarkable. An MVP well-deserved.


The Unbreakable Thomas Davis - If Cam Newton is the brightest star in the Panthers' future (and present), OLB Thomas Davis is the old guard veteran you'll be rooting for to win it all after a long and often difficult career.  I can testify that his speed off the line of scrimmage and ability to pick off passes in the middle of the field has made him a Saints killer for years.  After 11 years in the pros, Davis is the longest tenured player left on Carolina's roster, and while he's been one of the best in the game when healthy, he's suffered through an ungodly number of injuries to get to this point.  That includes three ACL tears in three consecutive years, and now a broken forearm that took him out of the NFC Championship against the Cardinals two weeks ago.  Unbelievably, Davis is planning to play, cast and all, in the Super Bowl this weekend, and I can't really blame him despite how much I'm wincing right now.  This has been the best year of his career with his first Pro Bowl and All Pro selections and his first and maybe only trip to the big dance.  If he puts a big arm tackle on Owen Daniels Sunday, there'll be a few extra people cheering in the stands and a few others wondering where they can get those kind of meds.

They're Having More Fun Than Anyone Else - Every now and then, a team comes along that just seems to get more mojo going as the season goes on, and their confidence is just as important to their performance as the skills and playbook they started with. The 1985 Bears and 2013 Seahawks come to mind, and now, so do these Panthers. They've been steadily snowballing into a juggernaut as the season has worn on with big plays on this Cam Newton-led offense, game-changing takeaways on defense, and no less than eight budding stars selected as All Pros including Newton as the obvious choice for league MVP. If my fellow Saints fans can put a little divisional vitriol aside for a minute, Carolina is a genuinely fun team to watch and they're bringing the crowd along to relish the moment. They've scored enough touchdowns to give nearly every child in Mecklenberg County his or her own game ball. They've taken the Dab to the point where people in nursing homes and convents now know what it is - it even allowed the Memphis Grizzlies to get some vicarious love in the Washington Post. I for one enjoyed their in-game group picture on the sidelines while they were trouncing the Falcons 38 - 0 even if it gave Atlanta enough motivation to hand the Panthers their only loss this season. On Sunday, Denver might represent the slow-and-steady old guard trying to "win the right way" in some people's minds, but Carolina will be the swaggering upstart guaranteed to deliver some jaw-dropping plays and look great doing it.


Reasons to Hate the Panthers


Cam Is a Brand - In the "totally consistent and reasonable" court of public opinion, Cam Newton has always been a controversial figure. With his team more in the spotlight than ever, he's certainly attracted a new gaggle of haters (like the ones I mentioned in Denver's section above) who have devolved into uncontrollable rage over his dabbing Broadway routines in the end zone.  Newton certainly isn't the first and won't be the last player to celebrate an MVP season in style, but he's also kind of a brand.  You may recall these leaked documents from when Carolina hired brand consultant Frank Luntz to PR the bejesus out of Cam and other young stars on the roster.  As a rookie, Newton said himself he wants to be "an entertainer and an icon" as much as he is an athlete.  Heck, he named his own child "Chosen" if that gives you a sense of how this guy feels about himself.  It's not that unusual when you consider others who came before him in fur coats on the sideline or wearing dog collars in their fashion spreads or throwing chalk around like a cheap magician.  ... But there's still a veneer of gimmick here at times that makes you feel like Cam's style is perhaps a little too well planned.  Can't wait til those post-Super Bowl endorsements roll in!

Jerry Richardson Is a Miserable Toad - In truth, you could probably reserve a spot in every team's negative points about their owner.  These aren't normal, down-to-earth people or bastions of charity and reasonable financial arrangements like you and me.  Panthers owner Jerry Richardson is pretty extra though.  In moves truly befitting of Bank of America stadium, Richardson has found ways to squeeze fans and taxpayers out of lots of goodies for this franchise.  This includes demanding and receiving the third-highest public funding gift in the history of the NFL (which is a LOT!) to renovate a stadium that is less than 20 years old by making the indefensible case that his team was not profitable enough... while also managing to pay himself and his executive staff $12 million a year.  Droopy Incarnate also reinvented another powerful tool of pro sports distortion, the Personal Seat License, which is now commonly used in NFL stadiums across the country to convince people to pay for the right to pay for season tickets.  You read that right - Richardson pioneered this glorified fee not so Panthers fans could get direct access to season tickets in Charlotte but so they could lock down specific seats to have the right to get tickets for them in a separate transaction.  So the next time you're sitting in a $200 nosebleed seat to watch a game that looks way better at home in high definition, you can thank this jerk and his market distortions:

They'll Probably Be an Insufferable Bandwagon Soon - Like every team in the NFC South, the Panthers have been too up and down for most of their history to attract and retain a legion of bandwagon fans.  But now they've notched their third consecutive division title, a 17 - 1 season and their second Super Bowl appearance with a cast of very talented young players just hitting the prime of their careers. You better believe the bandwagon is a-comin', and it's probably here to stay.  Even those who live in the Carolinas have been so trained on ACC basketball and NASCAR for so long, they're too new at this Panthers rooting interest to be considered real fans, but I can bet you there are thousands of newly adorned car flags riding around Charlotte this week with drivers who probably didn't watch a single game a year ago.  And let's be real, all of those SEC-worshiping weirdos are probably ready to jump ship from Peyton Manning to Cam Newton once the hobbling 39-year-old finally makes his exit.  So we're almost certainly in for years of "die-hard Panthers fans," established in 2015, who will be totally awful to be around for the next 7 - 10 years as soon as they trade in their Richard Sherman jerseys.  Don't be like them.


I'll have my game pick for you Thursday, but come back tomorrow too for a little lagniappe entitled Friends Don't Let Friends Listen to Coldplay.  Yay!