Lady Blitz: 4 Things That Didn't Suck About the Super Bowl... and 3 Other Things That Did

The resounding consensus from our national Super Bowl XLVIII hangover seems to be that it was a miserable game to watch. Granted we're dealing with quite a bit of selection bias based on just how many people were pulling for Peyton's Broncos, but this was a far more lopsided affair than anyone could have guessed. Couple Seattle's total domination with more forgettable commercials than usual, zero interesting weather conditions and what sounded like a hellish public transit experience for fans at the game, and this could justifiably go down as the worst Super Bowl experience we've seen in a decade. (Those who remember the Buccaneers-Raiders or Ravens-Giants blowouts of the early 2000s know what I’m talking about). But in the spirit of trying to fill our football glasses to half-full as we enter a deep depression of seven full months without meaningful games, here are 4 things that didn't suck about the Super Bowl.. and 3 other things that did:

4 Things That Didn't Suck About the Super Bowl

1) Joe Namath Giving America the GIF It Deserves
In retrospect, some are saying Joe Namath's premature coin toss--and interception by referee Terry McAulay--was a sign of things to come for Peyton Manning. No matter how you feel about everything that happened after that point, Namath did not disappoint with the now-commonplace trainwreck antics of his retirement. It's like he knows he's going back into solitary after any major media appearance so he's got to make it count. Bonus points awarded for Namath’s spectacular fur coat - he might not be kissing Suzy Kolber or PETA members anytime soon, but he sure looked prepared for the, ermm, elements.

2) Bruno Mars' Drum Solo
For those of us who are indifferent at best about Bruno Mars, he got a solid “That wasn’t as bad as I expected” kind of assessment. His performance could never top that of Beyonce or Prince, but I wouldn’t put him at the bottom with the smoke and mirrors of the Black Eyed Peas or the barely breathing members of The Who either. You might be rolling your eyes, but I thought Mars’ opening bit on the drums was a nice surprise - he had the chops to push it past the gimmick zone but also transitioned swiftly into “that song that everybody knows” before Twitter got antsy. I’d still trade it for a Flea bass solo any day though.

3) A Competitive MVP Race
Although certainly more diverse than the season MVP award, the Super Bowl MVP is going to go to the winning QB or the top offensive skill player nearly every time, and you generally know it by the second quarter. This Sunday night was different. If there was a single quality of the Seahawks’ total domination that stands out to me, it’s that this was a true team effort in all phases of the game. Linebacker Malcolm Smith made the game’s biggest plays early on to keep Denver from ever having a chance, so his MVP award is well-deserved. But Smith would agree that the Seahawks’ most memorable individual plays were precipitated by the efforts of many. He would never have returned his pick-6 without Cliff Avril getting to Peyton Manning’s arm, nor would he have recovered that fumble without Byron Maxwell forcing it out of Demaryius Thomas’ hands. Seattle’s pass rush was flawless from start-to-finish and the secondary put most of Denver’s receivers in the witness protection program when they weren’t lighting them up in the middle of the field for minimal gain and a whole lot of pain. On offense, Russell Wilson made some spectacular drive-extending plays on the ground and through the air to an array of receivers most of us barely know. The offensive line kept his pocket clean and let the running game milk the clock for most of regulation. Then, of course, there was Percy Harvin who some would argue earned all of that 2013 paycheck in three huge plays including a kickoff return TD to start the second half. It was a bad night for prop bets for sure, but to be kept guessing who would end up with the MVP with so many outstanding performances to consider was a rare experience.

4) A Once-in-a-Lifetime Defensive Performance
Let's do a little thought experiment, shall we? What if the score was flipped so that the Broncos walked away with a 43 - 8 victory? It'd still be deemed a boring game, but the whole narrative today would be one of the highest praise for Peyton Manning's superhuman ability to dictate terms even to the best defense in the league. But with the vast majority of attention being placed on the Broncos' collapse instead on Monday, the converse hasn't exactly been true for Seattle's defense--even though it should be. This wasn't just any rout. This was a younger, less experienced but supremely talented defense that took down the best offense in the history of the NFL record books like it was a Division III practice squad. The Seahawks dominated an offensive line that had given Manning and his running backs alike all the time and space they could ever ask for in the pocket for 18 weeks. Although Seattle recorded only one sack, they forced No. 18 off his block and into some awful passes including two interceptions. Richard Sherman ruined any drinking games you might have planned around Eric Decker's completion totals. Earl Thomas and Kam Chancellor destroyed all receivers who dared to catch anything in the flat, punctuating a performance that included four forced fumbles and a whole lot of big hits. The Seahawks simply had an answer for every target in the Broncos' loaded arsenal, holding the highest scoring offense of all time to just 8 points while racking up 9 of their own. Boring to some, sure, but to a football nerd this was a defensive masterpiece for the ages.

3 Other Things That Did

1) The Hype Bubble
Now that I'm off my high horse about just how great Seattle's defense was on Sunday, I'm right there with you that the game was still a letdown when you consider what it might have been between two #1 seeds that looked unbeatable going in. Madden and Tecmo had the thing going to overtime in a blizzard for Kanye's sake! The Greatest Offense of All Time deserved a better show than they gave us, but we didn't even get a quarter's worth of healthy competition or a single snowflake after two weeks of swinging Vegas lines and hyper-vigilant weather forecasts. Our expectations may have been sky-high for this game, but even a whimper would have been a better ending than the utter carnage we got... at least in terms of entertainment value.

2) Pretty Much All of the Commercials
That familiar Super Bowl chorus "The Commercials Weren't That Good This Year" is about as tried and true as cheap beer and minor coronary blockage on game day, but I can't think of a worse slate of commercials in recent memory than these. In fact, I'm having a hard time remembering most of them, which I'm guessing is just about the opposite of what the $8 million/minute was intended to accomplish. Take that, society! Anyway, I blame my intolerably snarky mood on a few key things here: 1) these suits trying to manipulate our tears for cancer, the troops and horse-on-puppy-love; 2) Axe body spray trying to be profound about body spray; and 3) Bob Dylan hawking grandma cars, burned into my retinas forever. Counterpoint: 24 is back?

3) The Continuing Peyton Manning Debate
Although I was squarely in the Seahawks' corner in this game, there would have been a pretty solid silver lining had the Broncos won last night instead: we could have stopped the madness that is the debate about "Peyton Manning's legacy." A few years from now, we'll still remember him as one of the very best quarterbacks ever to play the game. He'll likely own nearly every major passing record all-time and in a season, and he'll have at least 5 MVP awards and 3 Super Bowl appearances to boot. Manning's future coronation in Hall of Fame is a given. Sure, he's had a rough postseason record, but you could say the same thing about Dan Marino, Brett Favre, Tom Brady and John Elway at different stretches of their careers. Sunday wasn't the Hollywood ending we've all been conditioned to expect for Manning, but it'll be just a blip on the radar in the grand scheme of things, whenever he hangs up his cleats. All of the chatter about whether this one game erases all of the great performances that have defined his legacy is the wrong question altogether. He's the greatest, and his playoff record isn't as good as you'd expect. #solved

Bonus: The Part Where I Selectively Pat Myself on the Back

For the second year in a row, I went with the upset pick and emerged victorious. That puts my playoff record at 7 - 4 outright and 8 - 2 - 1 against the spread, but it's a shame I didn't get to Floyd Mayweather first. Anyway, it was a pretty solid pregame analysis if I do say so myself, so I'm throwing myself a blogger parade by reminding you that the following Lady Blitz prophecies came to pass while you were yawning your way through the fourth quarter on Sunday:

"For the Seahawks to do well against this holy terror of an offense, we may need to hear a whole lot more about Cliff Avril and Michael Bennett than Richard Sherman."
"Russell Wilson's best bet may be to work the play action and use some tricks up his sleeve with Percy Harvin, since there is almost zero film on how he fits into the Seahawks' scheme to prepare for."
"If there's one thing I have a hard time shaking that puts the odds in the Seahawks' favor, it is that Denver had an insanely easy regular season and postseason schedule to glide through while they were racking up their Tecmo numbers. That could lead to overconfidence at the least and total shell shock at worst if Seattle dictates the game's tempo and forces pressure and/or turnovers early."