Houston Texans
Love: Brock and Roll, Brock Me Amadeus, Broxanne (Turn on the Red Light), etc.
Puns! They are all bad. After a franchise lifetime of David Carrs and Matt Schaubs and Brian Hoyers, the Texans have to be feeling cautiously optimistic about Brock Osweiler coming to the fold after he helmed some very high-profile and successful starts with Denver. Considering Hoyer slammed Houston's playoff door shut last season with an improbably bad five-turnover, three-sack, 1.7 QBR dud, Osweiler should have an easy bar to clear if he can just avoid screwing up. And there's also that DeAndre Hopkins guy waiting in the wings to make him look really good. I don't expect Osweiler to climb to the top of those mysterious elite quarterback ranks this season, but playing alongside a defense like Houston's, he doesn't have to carry this team on his shoulders alone for them to have a real shot at retaining that AFC South title.
The Lady Blitz Annals will show that I’ve had plenty of good things to say about J.J. Watt over the years, as his disruptive abilities and versatility are always a treat to watch. But roughly one billion Verizon and Papa John's spots later, I'm pretty much done watching this guy chop wood every time there's a punt return or play under review. What's worse, with Peyton Manning having retired, the mildly whimsical endorsement vacuum appears to be headed straight for Houston with a significant chance of overexposure. I get that this guy is just building a giant nest egg off of a short career window in the NFL, but sweet baby Kanye, has he become one with The Brand. Just look at what he had to say about the importance of his new logo, which if you haven't had the chance to gaze upon in awe before, is just a couple of pointy letters that wouldn't be out of place in Mortal Kombat 3:
- “I have always dreamed of being able to use my experience to create something truly great, something that I believed would legitimately improve people’s performance and training... When you see this logo, you will know that I personally had my hand in the product’s creation and that it has my own personal stamp of approval.”
Indianapolis Colts
Love: Lots of Andrew Luck ShootoutsDespite bringing on Ravens defensive guru Chuck Pagano four years ago as Indy's head coach, the Colts aren't exactly a steel or even aluminum curtain on this side of the ball. They ranked in the bottom quartile for yards and points allowed last season, and that turned out to be an insurmountable problem once Andrew Luck got hobbled and eventually benched with ::nauseous gulp:: a lacerated kidney. Seven months later, Luck is back to full health and a full wallet with the largest contract in NFL history. Indy may not have had much choice in paying big to retain their one constant on offense, which unfortunately means we may not see much improvement elsewhere on the roster. BUT since this is a reason to love the Colts, you better believe we will see some crazy shootouts with Luck trying to outpace whatever speeding train his defense won't be able to slow down. And he's done that really, really well in big moments so far in his career. Keep this team's upcoming games against the Packers and Steelers on your calendar - they could get out of hand in the best way, as in a 300-passing-yards-in-the-first-half kind of way.
Despite the uneven talent over the past few years, Indy has been able to rest its laurels on having a top-notch quarterback and the catbird seat in the least competitive division in the NFL. Before last season's implosion, the Colts had won 16 straight games against other teams in the AFC South and 9 titles in the division's 13 years of existence. There's plenty of reason to believe Indianapolis will be better this year than they were in 2015, but that's also the case for their South competition, which no longer looks like a turnstile between the Colts and another playoff mollywhopping from the Patriots. The Titans still look ages off from being competitive, but the Texans will still have a great defense with big upgrades on offense, while the Jaguars (as we'll get to shortly) look like the most improved team in the league going into this season. Pushovers this AFC South class ain't, and the Colts should be going into this season with eyes wide open in a division that no longer guarantees six wins each year.
Jacksonville Jaguars
Love: Suddenly Seeming Really CompetentWhat in the world is going on in Jacksonville? Did the Jaguars suddenly realize they aren't required to shoot themselves in the foot every time they sign a free agent? Did they uncover a magical talisman in the scouting office that allowed them to nab under-the-radar studs like Allen Hurns and Allen Robinson, see something we didn't with Blake Bortles and land two top five-level picks in Jalen Ramsey and Myles Jack in this year's draft? Add to all of this the NFL debut of Dante Fowler, and the Jaguars suddenly look like a dark horse with a deep, young roster and an offense that's really starting to figure things out. That's a better prospect for 2016 than most teams in this division or conference can say... and it's the Jaguars. So keep an eye on this season's sleeper - if they can pull off a winning record or even their first division title in seventeen years, it'll be like watching a fish win the Tour de France.
Counterpoint: Is this really happening? These are the Jaguars after all. They've gone 39 - 89 over the past eight years and left in their wake a trail of Justin Blackmons, Mike Mularkeys and Blaine Gabberts. Despite bringing a number of former Seahawks with him to Jacksonville, Legion of Boom mastermind Gus Bradley has yet to crack even a top twenty defensive ranking with this team. There's still a good chance someone important will destroy all of their connective tissue before Week 1. Or maybe Blake Bortles already had the best season of his career a la Josh Freeman and the Jaguars will promptly turn back into pumpkins in September. TL;DR: I am suspicious of the Jaguars' ability to achieve and sustain any level of competence.
Tennessee Titans
Love: Maybe Mariota Won't Die This Time?Oh, rookie Marcus Mariota, we hardly knew ye. You debuted with a beautifully efficient 4-touchdown romp in Week 1 and slid your way back to a brutal, injury-riddled 3 - 8 first-year campaign. It remains to be seen whether the Oregon-gilded Mariota can thrive or at least survive in the slower-paced, more physical style of professional quarterbacking, but the man needs a whole lot more help from the Titans' offensive line than he got in 2015. They led the league in sacks allowed last season with an average 3.4 per game. This Heisman winner deserves a better year with a fighting chance of staying upright and playing 16 straight. And the Titans have tried to do some work here by finding a new center and drafting yet another first-round lineman, even though they could come to regret passing on a left tackle dynamo like Laremy Tunsil. So hopefully that will pay off along with Mariota having more snaps under his belt as a pro - it'd be really nice for Tennessee to be remotely interesting for any reason whatsoever given this blogger's dismal regional viewing options.
I say “somehow,” but is there a more quietly but deeply incompetent front office in the NFL than that of the Titans? To be fair, they've started trying to course-correct like the Browns in loading up on draft picks and dropping some players who were little more than deadwood during the past four losing seasons. But they spent a lot of capital on bringing in RB DeMarco Murray after a disastrous year with the Eagles and drafting a first-round guard known primarily for his run-blocking and RB Derrick Henry high in the second round. These guys could end up taking some pressure off of the passing game, but they aren't guaranteed to help Mariota in the pocket while he continues to have to choose between Delanie Walker and "Other." What's more, even though Mariota ended up getting benched multiple times with injuries last year, the Titans are putting their faith in ::another nauseous gulp:: Matt Cassel to back him up. In case you don't recall Cassel's last NFL start, let's go to the tape. Got it? Then, let's not ignore that Tennessee took a very garbage out, garbage in approach to hiring their next head coach by replacing the woeful Ken Whisenhunt with assistant Mike Mularkey. In case you forgot, Mularkey's one previous year as an NFL head coach resulted in a 2 - 14 record and immediate firing by the Jaguars. One of those wins was against the Titans though, so we know he's already got the ability to beat himself with this team.
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