Welp, the fact that you're still here says a whole lot more about your loyalty than my aptitude this year. In three seasons of doing this, I've absolutely never gotten close to this bad at my picks. The Saints have obviously been a huge blindspot, but it's been anarchy all around. One more week before I go full coin-flip or employ a psychic German octopus to help - here's yer Week 5 Lady Blitz picks:
Top Shelf Games: Talent-rich, highly competitive and aged in oak barrels... spiritually speaking
Kansas City Chiefs at San Francisco 49ers (-6.5) - How much do you reckon Alex Smith wants to win this Lady Blitz Game of the Week in his first trip back to the franchise that shunned him for a flashier young gun? That alone could make this a fantastic game - Smith has never looked better than when he has a huge chip on his shoulder a la the winning drive of a lifetime against the Saints in 2011 and a blistering Wild Card performance against the Colts last season. I hope he can gut it out against the Niners, but I'm thinking the Chiefs still have a lot of work to do, Pats rout be damned.
Arizona Cardinals at Denver Broncos (-7.5) - And so the NFC West gauntlet continues for the Broncos, though they looked miles better in Seattle than they looked in the Super Bowl last year. I can't wait to see what Patrick Peterson & co. draw up to outmuscle Denver's high-flying offense, but I just wonder how much longer Drew Stanton can fool us all while Palmer appears destined to sit out another week. Perfect game to follow a bye week for both teams though.
Houston Texans at Dallas Cowboys (-4) - J.J. Watt vs. DeMarco Murray sounds like fun in this rare intra-Texas showdown. Still, the Texans have yet to topple a big-time opponent while the Cowboys enter this game with all the confidence in the world and a shorter commute time, and if you've ever driven through Texas, you know what I mean. Expect a fumble or two on 'Merica's Team's part, but can you really expect Houston's offense to keep pace with Dallas in the end?
Baltimore Ravens at Indianapolis Colts (-3.5) - Andrew Luck is lighting secondaries on fire so far this season, and even though the Ravens have many a bright spot on defense compared to last year, I suppose it will be hard for them to slow things down away from home on fast turf. Is it 30 years too late for a Mayflower joke?
Cincinnati Bengals (-1) at New England Patriots - I don't particularly like this pick. You can't argue with anything the Bengals have done so far this season, but I get wary that the Pats sure know how to take it out on others when they've been embarrassed as they were on Monday night. They just haven't been that embarrassed in modern memory, so I have to go no-brainer with Cincy's superb defense.
Well Drink Games: They may surprise you from time to time without all the high expectations
Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers (-9.5) - This is going to be tougher for the Packers than you might think - they're awful against the run and Minnesota's hardly lost a step without Adrian Peterson. But the sleeping giant in Aaron Rodgers woke up last week, and sooner or later the Vikings are going to get burned.
Chicago Bears at Carolina Panthers (-3) - I'm definitely not sure about this one. Both of these teams are plagued with injuries - Darrin Reaves and Fozzy Whitaker (Who? Exactly.) are probably going to carry the rock for the Panters. The Bears' secondary is extraordinarily thin and let Green Bay have its way last week. So I'm closing my eyes and pointing at Jay Cutler and the Bears' offensive line to carry the day.
Atlanta Falcons at New York Giants (-4) - Who knows with this game - these teams have traded blowouts over the past few seasons, and I've mostly picked them with the hope that the Dirty Birds would fall. This time, I think the Giants are truly a rough matchup for the Falcons - Eli Manning and friends have settled nicely into a fast-paced, run-heavy system and that defense is probably pretty jazzed about the state of Atlanta's offensive line.
Buffalo Bills at Detroit Lions (-7.5) - You watch, I'll get this wrong just as I have every single week so far with the Buffalo Bills. I certainly don't question Coach Marrone for taking a chance on Kyle Orton after a rough couple of weeks from E.J. Manuel. But there's no denying the Lions' performance so far this season - they can outgun pass-happy opponents with a fine-tuned offense and they can outmuscle physical teams with excellent line play. That includes the Bills.
New York Jets at San Diego Chargers (-6.5) - Given the Jets' run defense and the Chargers' extremely paltry work on the ground, this looks to be a very one dimensional game. That would have given me pause for concern in the Norv era, but something tells me Philip Rivers will be just fine this week. The best the Jets can hope for to win is a lights-out game from its running tandem and at least two bad mistakes from the Chargers.
House Punch Games: Most likely to be lop-sided, sloppy and/or otherwise painful to digest
Cleveland Browns (-1) at Tennessee Titans - It's Haslam time! (For those of you who aren't as keen on Tennessee esoterica, Jimmy Haslam is the Browns' owner who's a bit light on business ethics. Bill Haslam is his brother and the governor of Tennessee.) If I'm trying to give the Titans some credit, their three consecutive losses were to some pretty good teams. But the Browns may in fact be one of those too - this is a coin flip kind of game, so I'm going Cleveland on its surprisingly consistent offense and extra time off.
St. Louis Rams at Philadelphia Eagles (-7) - How about the Rams' Austin Davis? Dude is not afraid to gunsling as a third-string QB and it's kept the Rams in the games he's started this season, and that should actually make this fairly fun to watch. Nevertheless, the Eagles look a bit more well-rounded and I freaking miss Darren Sproles!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at New Orleans Saints (-10.5) - Seriously, how are the Saints 10.5-point favorites after what we've seen so far this season? I wouldn't bite on this point spread as a gambler, but New Orleans may just get angry in front of the home crowd and take it all out on the Buccaneers. Hopefully Tampa will let them do that.
Pittsburgh Steelers (-6.5) at Jacksonville Jaguars - How broken are the Steelers' spirits after last week's late whiff against the Bucs? I think not enough to fall to the sad, sad Jaguars.
Seattle Seahawks (-7.5) at Washington Redskinks - You read that right, why not have a little fun with a terrible football mascot instead of calling them the far-too-stately "Washington Football Club." From now on, you're the Redskinks and you will make me think of Dan Snyder as a giant lizard with no self-awareness.
So How's My Pickin'?
Last Week's Record: 7 - 6
Season Record: 32 - 29
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