The Randomly Timed Lady Blitz Offseason Q & A

Even grizzlies in hibernation need to step out once in a while for berries or a good squirrel-mauling, right? It’s been a wild offseason in the NFL to say the least, so I am temporarily poking my head out of my usual spring hiatus to ask myself a bunch of questions about the biggest headlines we’ve had since the Patriots asterisk-lifted the Lombardi in February. (That’s a joke by the way, Pats fans). Without further adieu, here’s the loneliest little mailbag to myself:

Q1: What do you make of this whole Ballghazi thing?

What do I think? I think it’s a massive distraction from a whole host of more significant problems the NFL is also not addressing with an ounce of integrity or consistency. Remember how outraged we got about all of those off-the-field violence incidents about nine months ago, only after which--to use The Onion’s terms--the NFL adopted a zero tolerance policy against videotaped domestic violence? While Ray Rice continues to wait it out [deservedly, I might add] on Scapegoat Island, here’s how various NFL teams and players are dealing with the dimmed spotlight of shame a few months later:

• Jameis Winston, who at the very least is an obscenely entitled person with terrible character, suffered zero real consequences when he went first overall to the Buccaneers in the 2015 draft. Neither the rape and theft accusations nor the Tallahassee PD’s disgusting and obvious moves to cover up his transgressions mattered as much as Tampa’s need for a starting quarterback.

• Defensive end Ray McDonald struck his pregnant girlfriend during his tenure with the 49ers last season and was never benched or suspended for it. In fact, the franchise gave him a real leg up by sending an off-duty officer (and moonlighting 49ers security staffer) to his house prior to any formal police involvement. Fullback Bruce Miller was also accused of domestic battery during the offseason, but charges have been downgraded so that the 49ers can drag their feet on this one too.

• The Seattle Seahawks selected defensive end Frank Clark in the second round despite Clark being arrested and jailed for domestic violence and kicked off of Michigan’s roster last November. Just months before, the Seattle front office had issued statements that they would never draft a player who hit a woman.

• And finally, not to be out-amnesia-ified by anyone else, the Dallas Cowboys have landed the trifecta of Greg Hardy (who was found guilty of assault and threatening to kill his girlfriend last summer), La’el Collins (a first-round talent who went undrafted because of his involvement in a murder investigation), and Josh Brent (released this offseason but brought back to the Cowboys roster last year despite killing a teammate in a drunk driving accident). It’s a shame Jerry couldn’t land Adrian Peterson too to band the four horsemen of apocalyptically bad judgment together. But there’s still time for alleged headcase Randy Gregory to do something awful we all saw coming a mile away.

How interesting it is, then, that Tom Brady is currently facing a four-game suspension for his role in doctoring footballs to his personal liking - that’s twice the number of games Roger Goodell initially suspended Ray Rice for knocking his own fiancee out cold in an elevator before Unmitigated Outrage ensued. But Ballghazi is the public horseblinder that keeps on giving in other ways too. Now there’s no coverage vacuum in which to discuss the league’s ongoing legal battle over concussion settlements with former players or the great train robbery that is publicly financed stadiums.

Q2: Okay, but what do you really think of this whole Ballghazi thing?

If you insist, I have a few non-mutually exclusive lines of thought about the Patriots’ deflation scandal. The first is that outside of the Chowder Belt, this franchise has reached Bieber levels of hateability that make it hard to separate the inherent meaning of this case from a very understandable desire to see dog-collared Tom Brady and his legion of severely self-righteous fans crash and burn into oblivion. By the letter of the rulebook, the Patriots organization has now been caught cheating twice during a historically dominant run in the NFL. It’s fair to argue that the evidence was largely circumstantial in Ted Wells’ report, but that still doesn’t make it any less apparent that members of the Patriots staff were continually deflating balls outside of the approved parameters so that they would expressly meet Tom Brady’s preferences. We don’t need the kind of watertight case that puts people in jail, just a preponderance to draw a commonsense conclusion based on those flurries of text messages, calls and weird bathroom hangouts. If you don’t believe me, let Larry Wilmore give you a quick psychology lesson on Tom Brady’s pre-Super Bowl press conference for Exhibit F.

BUT BEFORE YOU THROW YOUR HANDS UP IN RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION AGAIN, PATS FANS, SO HELP ME GOD, let’s think about how it would have gone down if this very same thing had happened to an awful team with a scrub of a quarterback (you know, like Brad Johnson). Let’s say the Raiders, who have won five or fewer games in 10 of their last 12 seasons, were caught deflating balls in the Matt McGloin “era.” The only reaction a normal person would have is, “Gah, and they still can’t win any games?” or--this is still a great question, by the way--”Why does the NFL even allow teams to manage their own game balls in the first place?” Can you imagine frenzied months-long media coverage, a four-game suspension, a $1 million fine and lost draft picks over Matt McGloin’s obvious cheating? Maybe some small-scale version of one of those things would have happened to make an example out of the Raiders, but I’d bet my millions of dollars in this alternate universe that it’d looking nothing like what the Ginger Hammer is throwing at the Patriots now. No, in parallel with all of the awful things being swept under the rug above, Roger Goodell has waited this out a good long time to gauge what kind of public reaction he would get. What he got was a tidal wave of bloodlust to see the prettyboy Patriots and his close personal friend Robert Kraft get the same kind of kneejerk, excessive punishment that he’s bestowed so willingly on other teams recently and that New England got to avoid during the Spygate scandal years earlier. Should they get some sort of disciplinary action for deflating footballs and lying about it? Sure. Should they get the NFL equivalent of a first-class felony in sanctions for getting caught doing something that undoubtedly has gone on in other locker rooms throughout the history of the sport without much fanfare? I lean no.

Q3: Has Chip Kelly totally lost his mind?

Chip Kelly finally showed his cards on draft night when the Eagles tried unsuccessfully to send a king’s ransom to the Tennessee Titans for second overall pick Marcus Mariota. So I’m not so sure there’s a larger plan to Kelly’s crack-addled shell game during the offseason at this point. It was so crazy, it might just be… crazy. Let’s do a quick recap of the biggest moves, shall we? First, Philly traded RB LeSean McCoy for LB Kiko Alonso. Now they have oft-injured Ryan Mathews and DeMarco Murray on the wrong side of a 400-rush season to make up for it at a seller’s price after Frank Gore backed out of an initial deal rather unceremoniously. Then, the Eagles let WR Jeremy Maclin go to the Chiefs after a career year, which makes the very trashy Riley Cooper their top veteran receiver for now. Then, the Eagles let pass-rushing force Trent Cole and CB Cary Williams walk but brought in Walter Thurmond and Byron Maxwell (that other guy on the Legion of Boom) on a megadeal to keep their defense afloat. Lest we forget Chip Kelly has renewed Mark Sanchez for two years, picked Tim Tebow up off his blessed couch where he was doing just fine and swapped out Nick Foles for Sam Bradford in what will surely be the most exciting quarterback competition in the greater eastern Pennsylvania area. And nowhere else, to be clear. Anyway, while we swooned and speculated over Philly’s initial bold moves, the merry-go-round is making us dizzier as we go and it’s impossible for me to say that the Eagles are better off now than they were before Kelly descended into either genius or madness. Only time and next year’s win-loss record will tell. In all seriousness though, I wish Chip Kelly the best of luck at Texas in 2016.

Q4: How are you holding up, loyal Saints fan?

There was a period of time in March when I likened Saints GM Mickey Loomis to the vengeance-fueled jilted ex putting a firesale of keepsakes on the curb after a painfully underachieving 7-9 season. Because I can rationalize just about anything as a long-time New Orleans Saints fan until it goes badly, I can think of at least three semi-valid arguments for moving away from Jimmy Graham: 1) he’s a terrible run blocker, job #1 for most tight ends; 2) he’s inconsistent, going MIA in some of the Saints’ most critical games against physical opponents (like the Seahawks!); and 3) Drew Brees threw to him in double/triple coverage to drive-killing effect way too often in recent years. But in all sincerity, if you had asked me in February to name 5 players the Saints should absolutely retain in 2015, I would have said Graham, Curtis Lofton (the only consistent bright spot on defense and team leader in tackles who was released), Pierre Thomas (who would have played for beans to pick up blitzes and anchor the screen game and who was cut), and Keenan Lewis (the Saints’ only above-average part of the secondary who had a social media meltdown as the other dominoes above fell). And Drew Brees so that he can shill for Jimmy John’s on his awful Twitter feed some more. But time has healed some wounds and so has landing nine draft picks and Brandon Browner to play the part of anyone-in-the-universe-but-Patrick-Robinson. Still, would it have killed these guys to pick up just one receiving target with their bajillion picks in a loaded draft class? Given all the investments in the Saints offensive line while dumping three major receiving targets from a year ago, it might come down to 36-year-old Brees running the wildcat this season.

This concludes our random offseason post! Be on the lookout in early July for my annual reasons to love and hate each NFL team. Read some books and go outside in the meantime!